Don't Look at Me That Way

Hey Toe,
As I write this, I am listening to that song we wrote on the trip to the GC in 2003. I feel weird listening to recordings I made with me singing and playing geetar. I both enjoy and don't enjoy hearing these, and it always feels slightly masturbatory to listen, alone in a room, to the sound of my own voice and guitarplaying. I mean, I am not listening to it with the intention of improving my playing or singing or songwriting, I am just idly enjoying it, feeling mildly embarrased by mistakes, but mostly sitting here saying "That song is kind of cool" and "Listen to that nice little bit there."

I sometimes imagine listening to it with a friend and them enjoying it. This exercise feels especially masturbatory, because it involves imagining another person enjoying something with me, very much like some kind of fantasy I am jacking off to. Do other shy and mildly talented people do this?

I have to remember this when I notice invitations to stroke egos among actual artists that I know. It sometimes strikes me as needy or childish to ask "What do you think of this? Do you really like this thing I made?" But geez, they are doing something quite brave, I think, revealing what they have created, for the world to criticize or reject or love or ignore. Who am I to judge them, as I sit alone in my office listening to an old tape?

Love,
E-Word