If you will dare, I will dare.

E-word,

I have some of my most corrupted thoughts while at church. It's not something I'm proud of, but I have to be honest about it to myself. Sometimes thoughts that are totally inappropriate pop up at times when maybe they shouldn't, but I can't castigate myself for something I don't necessarily have control over.

About three weeks ago, El and I were at church, and we were standing and clapping along to the praise. A couple enters the pew directly in front of us. The thing that got my mind started was a small section of the woman's hair was matted with a white substance, that was probably hair spray or soap. The couple was very appropriately dressed, and maybe just slightly rumpled, which is how I think Sunday clothes look sometimes when they are not worn frequently and hang in a closet jostled by other clothing more often worn.

The matted hair got me to thinking that maybe the man came in the woman's face that morning, after a bout of rough sex, and some of his come got on her hair. That was just the start. Maybe the guy was smacking dick across her face, and some of her own saliva sprayed onto her hair. Bear in mind that I'm clapping along with a praise song at church while I'm having these thoughts, I'm trying to keep my mind on God but all I can think about is if this very chaste looking couple in front of us are having porn-inspired sex right before service, who else in the congregation is screwing violently.

The pastor of our church is a very charismatic speaker, with a very large congregation. While I know that if you are really able to keep your eyes on Jesus Christ, a lot of these compulsive thoughts and desires go away because they aren't quite as important, but it is easy to imagine (especially with all the anecdotal evidence) that this particular pastor pees on his wife.

I don't really know where I'm going with this stuff. Sex is an idol like anything else, and it's possible, despite everything we learn from the bible, that pastors and my brothers and sisters at church have deviant sex. Maybe my pastor wears a diaper, maybe he likes to be lashed across the back. Maybe the middle-aged woman next to me wears leather, and the middle-aged man next to her has sex with an eighteen-year old prostitute.

It was a very distracting service. Basically I wasn't able to cut off the noise in my brain until after the benediction and we were able to leave. Fortunately I didn't obsess about sex yesterday during church, but it did remind me to write this down on our log.

Love,

Toe