Letters and Sodas

Q. When did you first cheat on your wife?

A. No small talk, just going straight at it?

(silence)

Okay, I guess it first happened about a year ago. Cathy was out of town for a business trip. Work was blowing my fucking head off, you know? I mean, that shit was just killing me, managers breathing down my neck constantly, I'm getting my ass kicked every minute. I wanted to blow off some steam, just, you know, cool the fuck down, so I went to Nudies.

Q. The strip club.

A. Yeah, the strip club. I mean, I don't think that looking at titties and getting lap dances is cheating, I mean, do you?

(silence)

Anyway, I didn't go there to get my dick wet, it was just like, I was just blowing off some steam, you know? So I'm sitting there really waiting for anyone to come sit on my lap and offer me a lap dance, and this girl comes by, this Puerto Rican girl, real fucking hot, and I ask her for a lap dance. While we're waiting for the next song to start, we're just making idle chat, like stupid shit, and I asked her if dudes ever get off from lap dances, and she says of course and then asks me if I want to.

Q. And?

A. And, and shit, it wasn't even on my mind but then she starts in on her lap dance, and I'm getting horny as fuck, this bitch had nice titties and I could smell her fucking pussy, it was fucking killing me, and I'm like groping every inch of her body and I'm thinking, ah, fuck it, and I told her that I wanted to get off, and, and, while she's grinding away at me we're like negotiating and shit, like, I didn't even know she was a ho, and while I'm running my fingers across her stomach I feel fucking stretch marks and I'm thinking this bitch has a kid and I'm like negotiating a handjob with her but I don't care, I want to get off. We settle on $120 for the hand job, and like, I have no idea if this is too much or a good deal or anything, I mean, she could have charged my $1200 and it would've been just fine.

So the song ends, and I pay her for the lap dance. I tell her what car I'm driving and where I'm parked, and she agrees to come out to the car after I leave the strip club. So I walk back to the Volvo and wait for her, my dick hard just from the fucking anticipation, and it's crazy, I can feel my heart beat in my fucking temples, I'm like fucking shaking and I can't even think, I can't even recognize that this shit is a boundary that I can't come back from, and she comes out, and she's smoking a cigarette, taking a cigarette break, I guess. She puts the smoke out by the car and she gets in the passenger seat next to me. I unzip my pants, and she reaches down and starts working it, I'm already hard, and sorry for this bit of info but I'm like already dribbling on her fucking hand, and she's just working it, and her fake fingernails are pointing out around my dick, and I reach over and grab her tits, her tits were just fucking fantastic and I'm not thinking that this is a fucking mom jerking off some dude for money in his Volvo in a strip club parking lot, none of that shit is registering in my brain, and before I knew what was happening, literally I'm like blinded with white light and I splattered come all over my shirt and pants, and it's on her hands and on her fake nails. Fucking ridiculous, it took like a minute. I'm just so unprepared for this shit, I'm like, how am I going to wipe this shit off, but thank God my gym bag was on the backseat so I give her a towel and I wipe myself off with a t-shirt.

Q. Then what happened?

A. Man, it was just anticlimactic, I pulled my wallet out, and gave her the money. I might have said something pathetic like thanks or something.

(silence)

Pretty fucked up I guess. I mean, it's like I'm a pretty thoughtful guy, like self aware I guess, I mean, like, it's fucked up, right?