There ain't much to rake anyway in the fall.

E-word,

Fall. The weather is finally catching up to the season here- it's 40 degrees out, and wind is blowing lightly, blowing dried leaves around. As always, this time of year makes me incredibly nostalgic. I'm nostalgic for things that make me bitter, and for things that didn't happen, but I wish they did. Everything is tinged with the knowledge of slights, nowadays. I don't know why I can't just put on my rose-tinted glasses anymore, I don't know what has changed with me.

As I said earlier, people from my past have popped up in my life lately, and I think that unless we take it really, really slowly, almost from the perspective that we don't really know one another at all and we can't take for granted that our old friendship is desirable, I am totally disinterested in it. With Vvega sitting almost next to me, it feels like in a way we're trying to be friends again, with our relationship starting off from when we actually got along, but I can't do it. Too much has happened in between. On my drive home, I thought about how confrontational and challenging our friendship was for me, and while it had its good points (it does sharpen the mind), it had too many bad points, and I don't want our friendship to be the way it was. I think that everyone constantly evolves, or at least I do, and things that were acceptable once are not necessarily acceptable now, or only become acceptable once I am comfortable with a situation. Maybe we can build to that kind of a relationship again, but right now, I just don't want to hear it. I'll have to just ignore him, or say hello once in a while when I see him in the hall. Maybe we can start by playing chess again, and keep conversations to the barest minimum. I might bring that up. That way we're starting slowly from a place that we're both familiar with, and we actually don't have to talk much.

Love,

Toe