Out of time

Toe,
I'm having one of those existential afternoons. I was thinking about my past, reminiscing about the days we used to have the writing group, and wondering why I have stopped writing. Then I started thinking about other missed opportunities, things I've passed up on because of fear of failure, or just fear, and I began to feel slightly disconnected from my life. It wasn't quite an out-of-body experience. I felt more like I was out of time, or outside time, as I had somehow stepped out of the chronology of my life. I supposed with all the reminiscing, I had stepped out of my time, out of the present moment. To snap out of it, I found myself wandering around the apartment, going from one corner to the other, saying to myself "When I want to walk over there, I can walk over there. I am walking over there." It was sort of an exercise in will power, demonstrating that yes, I can follow through on things I want to do, I am not on a rail, driven by an unseen engine. I have more directional control than even the best automobile.

I began to think of my grandfather, hopping on that train out of Nebraska. How scared he must have been, a boy on top of a freight train that would not stop. Did he understand he would never go home again? Did he want that?

I have never felt that kind of fear, never really been on that kind of life-changing adventure.

A friend who was some years older than me told me told me "You don't regret the things you do. You regret the things you do not do." As I get older I realize more and more that this is true.

OK, I need to get my head out of this bucket. Just needed to drain some angst onto the log.
E-word