Driving across the plains

There's something so warlike about going quickly across a plain. Of course, it's less warlike if you are in a small Japanese car, but still.

I am driving across the plains a little ways today on business. I'll try to remember to bring my camera to take some pix.

Sorry I've been so absent. Thanks for clearing up the whole deg rad thing. And the meteorite/meteoroid thing. I had no clue.

Things have been good here. Busy as anything, but good.

A tin foil star

E-word,

Really quickly. I know the difference between deg(rees) and rad(ians). It a way of measuring an angle. 360 degrees, as you know, is when an angle goes all the way around and is back at its original angle. Equally, 2*Pi radians means the same thing. Converting from degrees to radians is as simple as taking your angle, multiplying it by pi, and dividing that total by 180.

Also, I bet you didn't know the different between a meteorite and a meteoroid. I didn't know myself until several minutes ago.

Meteorite \Me"te*or*ite\, n. [Cf. F. m['e]t['e]orite.] (Min.) A mass of stone or iron which has fallen to the earth from space; an aerolite. [1913 Webster]

Meteoroid \Me"te*or*oid\ (m[=e]"t[-e]*[~e]r*oid), n. [Meteor + -oid.] (Astron.) A small body moving through space, or revolving about the sun, which on entering the earth's atmosphere would be deflagrated and appear as a meteor. [1913 Webster]

Subtle, eh? A meteorite is a fallen meteoroid, which before becoming a meteorite, is a meteor.

Toe

When I was a boy, everything was right

My wife took this photo while we were out on a walk in a forest preserve here in prairieland (let me tell you, there aren't too many forests here). I don't have an explanation for what exactly is in the center of this knothole. It looks cool, though.

I wish I could remember the first album I ever bought. I do recall distinctly the first album any one gave to me. I was a big Beatles fan from 7th grade on. We had those two famous collections of their music, the red and blue albums with their picture taken looking down from a balcony. I listened to those incessantly. For Christmas in 8th grade my parents gave me Revolver. I still have the album. It was really kind of magical to first listen to an actual Beatles album instead of a collection of their hits. I didn't realize it then, but I was developing a love of the "album" as an art form. Sure, I still like to listen to single songs--sometimes there's only one song on an album that is worth listening to--but if I am listening to a good CD, I balk at the idea of putting it on shuffle and listening to songs in random order. The artist put it in that order for a reason, man.

But back to artifacts. I think the ones from previous relationships are sort of hard to let go of, for sure, but I've made an effort since I got married. I don't think I have any items of clothing given to me by exes. I do have some books. I actually ripped out dedication pages in some of them--you know, the page where she wrote "To my honey" or some such. It hurts somewhat to do that, and every time I pick up a book and see the little rough edge of the ripped out page, I feel a little sorry, like the exgirlfriend who gave it to me can feel it.

Fortunately, there haven't been that many women in my life. And only a few gave me books.

Anyway, I better start working. You have a good one, Toe.
E-word

Beds are burning

E-word,

My records are kept in a box in one of the bedrooms, taking up space because I don't have a basement, and I don't want them to melt in the attic. Do you remember the first record you bought? Mine was 'Diesel and Dust' by Midnight Oil. I remember the first tape I bought, too, which was the Red Hot Chili Peppers debut. Both of these are now over 20 years old.

This weekend, while El and I were doing dishes I pointed out to her some pyrex bowls to her that may as well be family heirlooms, as they are among the first things my parents bought in this country back in the early 70's. It's so funny thinking of my history in the US, because you know, there really isn't much.

Coincidentally, I was thinking of similar things this weekend, but in terms of artifacts from past relationships. What's left over is mostly items of clothing, like beat-up tees and boxers. I have a hard time thinking of anything left from my first girlfriend, though.

I hope you continue to upload images. And I'm pretty sleepy. It's going to be a long day, I have class until 9:40 tonight.

Toe

Everything old is new again

In the photo posted several entries ago (under the heading "Hybrid Mode") you can see my ancient calculator. It is a 20+ year-old Sears brand calculator, made in Hong Kong. It features some alternate calculating modes on it--you can switch from "Deg" to "Rad" to "Grad," whatever that means (can you tell me, Toe?). It works better than any newer calculator I have encountered, and I keep using it because I've had it since I started college, if not since High School.

I have a lot of stuff like this that I insist on using or keeping around for sentimental reasons. I have a pair of boxer shorts for 12 years now that I no longer wear, but they are packed away with other sentimental clothing, such as a tee-shirt with the name of my college radio station on it.

Then there are my LPs, neatly line-up in a piece of furniture designed to hold LPs. I don't have a turntable, but I insist on keeping them, thinking that I will eventually find an old hi-fi to match this old technology.

Speaking of LPs, they are far superior to CDs in terms of longevity. I doubt a CD CDs that in 50 years will still play anything approaching music, whereas an old LP, even if it skips occasionally, will continue to be playable for a long time if you handle it carefully.

I used to have an old school pencil sharpener, the kind you screw to a wall and turn with a crank. It has an elliptical body that contains the sharpener also acts as a basket to catch the pencil dust. I sold this at a yard sale to a friend whom I knew would appreciate it. I'm not sure I could have sold it to anyone else, because it actually happened to be a childhood item that I have had all my life but that I have not used in years.

On a side note, tangentially related: I was watching some Sonic Youth live clips on Youtube, and I have to say they gave me hope. Maybe it's because they are all middle-aged and they still rock?

It feels so good to be alive

OK, now I am just uploading images for the sake of uploading images. This is my cat looking out the window. He's dreaming of hunting. I often do a little daydreaming myself while I look out the window.



I went for a walk this afternoon, downtown to the library, post office, hardware store, and my bank. It was sunny and 75, so I thought I would just taking my Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood stroll. I had to wait for a slow freight train to finish its trip through town before I could get to the USPS.

I'm feeling better today. As sometimes happens, C* seems to be feeling worse. I think married couples sometimes go on a teeter-totter ride when it comes to health. It works out nicely, cause then one takes care of the other.

Well, have an excellent weekend, Toe. I'm back to work.
E-word

Water and light

Hey Toe,
Another photo from my seat in the office. I took this a few weeks ago, but it almost matches what I am looking at this morning--a glass of water, the sun coming in, the green vines over the chain-link fence out the window.

Anyway, hope you are well. I am feeling a little better today.
E-word

Hybrid mode

Toe,
I understand about the numbness that work can engender. (Uh, I think engender is the right word.) Lately I've felt that way as well--the feeling of knowing that there is a lot that needs to be done, but not quite knowing where to begin. The wall image you use is a good one. Right now I'm feeling a little bit lost in work, perhaps in life, too.

I posted a picture of my desk this, taken just moments ago. It may be sideways, but that's the way I am feeling lately.

Man, I can't imagine how you and Hi C's husband do it, with your wives so far away. I can hardly bear it when my wife is away for just a week visiting family, or if I am away on business. It's a feeling that's hard to describe--"missing" does not seem to get the full scope of it, but I suppose that's the best word. But you guys do the best with what you have, with the situation you have. I think it goes into the whole "in sickness and in health." Marriage, ideally is not supposed to involve any kind of separation, the same way its not supposed to involve (ideally) any illness or poverty, but if that is what is required or what circumstances dictate, then you do the best you can.

I'm sounding all pragmatic this morning. I have a sinus infection or a cold or something, and I'm hungover from Nyquil, so I think my tone my be off.

I hope you get a chance to be dazed and lay on the sofa today. I've been feeling kind of down and blue myself the past few days. I've been half-working, half-not, but not completely giving in to either depression or to productivity. I think if I could just have a blue day, where I sat alone under a blanket and felt sorry for myself and the world, I could push through this feeling and just get back to work. But I can't take any time, so there we have it, a hybrid mode of living.

Not sure when I will be in your area--I need to figure that out. Part of my mood these days has been to resist all travel, so I haven't made any plans. I'll turn that around soon enough.

Take care, man. Keep your pecker up.

E-word

1 + 1 - 1 = 1

E-word,

I've kind of been in a daze the last couple of days. With coming back from NY, work being hectic, and school heaping up on me I feel like I'm staring at a fifty foot wall. Where do I start.

It's been an illuminating couple of days. I've been thinking about what you said about having only been married for a short time. It's so very true. There are still girls that I've dated for longer than El and I have been married, and I have to remember that I have to continue to learn and not grow complacent with out marriage.

I think that El has a much more mature attitude toward marriage than I do. I don't think that divorce is an option for her, whereas sometimes I think that I could just give up, which I think is very sad. I hate that I can think like that at all. I've had to 'man up', or something with regards to our marriage. Living apart like this wears on me, I can't stop thinking that this is not normal, this is not how it should be, but those thoughts are meaningless. We're in a situation and we have to make the best of it. I have to support my wife in every single way that I can, I have to have her back. We're MARRIED. This is not dating. We made a promise to each other, and I have to remember that.

I'm pretty tired today. I don't want to buckle down and do work. I want to lie in a daze on the sofa for a few hours, and pass out with the tv on. I'm such a useless guy, it's just who I am.

Oh, when are you next in town? I know you told me... Eh, it'll be good to see you again.

Hope all is well.

Toe

Horse

I found out on NPR this morning that one of the three horse slaughtehouses in the country is here in my town. I have no idea where it is. It's an upsetting practice, slaughtering and eating horses, but part of me thinks that it is no worse than eating any other animal.

It's a pretty, sunny day, and I don't want to work today.

We Just Won't Be Defeated, I hope

Toe,
I wasn't sure how to respond to your most recent post, because I think it hit on one of my deepest fears. I am afraid of divorce, but I think I am also afraid of drifting apart. Sometimes I see how it might happen--like the way C* and I are so busy, how we get so wrapped up in work and our own agendas, even on our supposed days off. I understand now why married couples need to ask each other out on dates. We do this every so often, but probably not enough.

I can see how being so self-involved and so work-involved might cause you to lose sight of your spouse, and allow you to drift apart. I worry about that, in quieter moments, but I get involved in work again before I think to do anything about it.

How do we avoid becoming the guy who calls his wife a cunt? I can't imagine being that guy, so oddly, I have a hard time imagining exact strategies to avoid it. It's almost as if I can't imagine it happening except by some external circumstance. That's probably exactly how it happens--because your eyes have been peeled for some external danger, you realize too late that something you have been unconsciously doing is the cause of your relationship's disintegration. I think the best we can do is work on our relationships, our marriages, as much as we can right now. The trick is to avoid complacency. You've only been married a short time. Hell, it's only been half a decade for me--a short time when you think of someone like our parents, or my grandparents, who were married for 50 years or more before my grandmother died. How do you keep the relationship alive during that time? If we can do that, I think we'll avoid becoming that man we're afraid of becoming.

I want to do this. My wife is the kindest, most honest person I know. She's not always sweet--she can be obnoxious as shit--but that's part of what I love about her. I love and trust her more than anyone. But I do feel myself becoming complacent about our marriage. I guess my goal is to be more expressive about how I feel and maybe to spend more time with her that is designated as "time for us" as opposed to time we just happen to be spending together because our schedules happened to allow it. I guess the other side of this is to look at the relationship more often and see what needs to change to keep it alive. These sound like cliched answers, but I think they are cliches for a good reason.

Speaking of schedules, I am going out of town for the night. I'll write more on Friday. Hope you're well. Good to talk to you, however briefly, the other night.
E-word