We Just Won't Be Defeated, I hope

Toe,
I wasn't sure how to respond to your most recent post, because I think it hit on one of my deepest fears. I am afraid of divorce, but I think I am also afraid of drifting apart. Sometimes I see how it might happen--like the way C* and I are so busy, how we get so wrapped up in work and our own agendas, even on our supposed days off. I understand now why married couples need to ask each other out on dates. We do this every so often, but probably not enough.

I can see how being so self-involved and so work-involved might cause you to lose sight of your spouse, and allow you to drift apart. I worry about that, in quieter moments, but I get involved in work again before I think to do anything about it.

How do we avoid becoming the guy who calls his wife a cunt? I can't imagine being that guy, so oddly, I have a hard time imagining exact strategies to avoid it. It's almost as if I can't imagine it happening except by some external circumstance. That's probably exactly how it happens--because your eyes have been peeled for some external danger, you realize too late that something you have been unconsciously doing is the cause of your relationship's disintegration. I think the best we can do is work on our relationships, our marriages, as much as we can right now. The trick is to avoid complacency. You've only been married a short time. Hell, it's only been half a decade for me--a short time when you think of someone like our parents, or my grandparents, who were married for 50 years or more before my grandmother died. How do you keep the relationship alive during that time? If we can do that, I think we'll avoid becoming that man we're afraid of becoming.

I want to do this. My wife is the kindest, most honest person I know. She's not always sweet--she can be obnoxious as shit--but that's part of what I love about her. I love and trust her more than anyone. But I do feel myself becoming complacent about our marriage. I guess my goal is to be more expressive about how I feel and maybe to spend more time with her that is designated as "time for us" as opposed to time we just happen to be spending together because our schedules happened to allow it. I guess the other side of this is to look at the relationship more often and see what needs to change to keep it alive. These sound like cliched answers, but I think they are cliches for a good reason.

Speaking of schedules, I am going out of town for the night. I'll write more on Friday. Hope you're well. Good to talk to you, however briefly, the other night.
E-word