I do not want what I haven't got

E-word,

Good morning. I'm still at home, not exactly dreading work, but not wanting to go, either. I feel like I need a mental health day, some time to enjoy this unseasonably nice weather we're having, and go outside and sit underneath some trees until dusk. Or at least sit on my sofa with the windows open and some music on.

I'm amazed at parents. I imagine how much I want a break, a couple of months to step back and appreciate how amazing the world is, and how I imagine once one has children, it must be nearly impossible to lift your head from the grindstone at all, even when on vacation. This pressure to be 'on' constantly, to always be on point, on the ball, etc.

I'm looking out the window right now, and it's a glorious morning. The sun is reflecting off of green leaves, I hear the occasional sound of a car riding by my house, and see my neighbors set off for the metro.

You know what I'd like to do today? I'd like to clean the house from top to bottom, really take some time and make it tidy and shiny for El tomorrow. I'd like to find a nice tree, lay out a blanket and read the Iliad for a couple of hours. In a more general way I'd like to appreciate what really matters, the beauty of warm August mornings, of cool water in a glass, of barefeet on grass, of God. Money is the wrong goal, money is none of the things I listed above.

It's a confusing life. The decisions I make. Oh, who cares. It's a lovely morning, slightly breezy, I can see my truck out the window underneath a giant tree, I can see the dead branches of day lilies, and the leafy end of a rhododendron. It's a glorious morning.

Toe