Aging....

You're right about the caregiving aspects of marriage in old-age. I think that is an important part of it. Just as essential, though, to me at least, is the feeling that I will be with someone for so many years who knows me so well, and whom I know in the same way. I think of the history, the sense of a past together, and the feeling of having someone who you see every day who you've known for a quarter of a century.

Did you hear on NPR today that Danny died the afternoon they broadcast that story last week? Amazing. They received a lot of letters from people expressing their appreciation for sharing their story, and Annie is apparently going to read some of them at the funeral.

My god, I'm all alone

E-word,

Looking forward to being an old couple makes sense. There's a sense of comfort in growing old with someone that must not be the same as growing old alone.

This is an interesting thing to think about, because so many people do grow old alone. Most people have friends and family, but is it the same thing as having a husband or wife? Is it true that there are people who would prefer to grow old by themselves?

I don't know if this really a concern for most people until they turn around 60. People can live pretty independently and take care of themselves, but I imagine that once you get to my parents age (60-ish), the gears are worn and don't mesh as nicely. Small illnesses take on a much greater gravity, and healing powers are diminished. My father, who is really in pretty good health, had a life-threatening infection a couple of years ago, and is still very vulnerable.

I think what I'm getting at is not only do we look forward to the comfort of having a partner in our old age, but we also have a caretaker when systems fail. We have not only a warm body to touch at night, but we have someone who will take us to the hospital when we don't feel well, or will call the doctor about a random symptom when we'd rather not be bothered.

Hard to say, hard to quantify richness in life. I know I'd prefer growing old with El, and like you said, have the same nagging and teasing except with wrinkles.

I hope you had a good weekend. I know I said I would call, but, well, I'm calling, I promise.

Toe

Love

Dude, why'd you have to go and make me cry? OK, I'm not bawling, but there are definitely some tears. That is an incredible story. I think that listening to them talk is like listening to the sound of love. It is totally selfless, you're right. I understand what he is saying, talking about how his wife lights up the room when she simply asks if he wants some more ice cream. It's weird, but those stupid, totally unromantic moments are what grab you, and what make you realize you love the woman you're with. I get the same feeling when C* changes the sheets and makes the bed look all nice, or if she makes up a word and just kind of uses it casually in a sentence without defining it. It is almost unexplainable to someone outside the relationship.

I want to be an old couple with C*. It's something we joke about, how we'll be still nagging each other and teasing each other when we're old and wrinkled. It's a comforting thought, to have her be with me throughout my life. And it breaks my heart when I think of dying. Odd, but either when I imagine dying or I imagine her dying, I always think about how I will miss her.

You write a love letter to me every morning

E-word,

This morning I woke up to Morning Edition as I usually do, and today they had a 'Story Corps' segment. It was about Danny and Annie, and it started out as a sweet if unremarkable story about the joys of love and marriage, using analogies like 'marriage is like going from black and white television to color television. You never want to back.'

They recorded their stories fairly regularly, and though they funny and cute, it was more nice than anything else. After they talked about how important Danny and Annie were to the success of Story Corps, they flashed to the most recent recording which was made a week ago. Danny had been diagnosed with a terminal cancer. They both talked about what was going to happen after Danny died, and Danny would say in a voice that occasionally broke into quavering about not wanting to live longer, but wanting to make Annie's transition to life without him as comfortable as possible. I'm lying in bed by myself under the covers, and my eyes start to well up with tears. Annie then asks rhetorically, 'When I walk behind your casket at the funeral, who will walk beside me?' Danny and Annie chat about how when they got married, Danny walked Annie down the aisle, and likewise he walked her out of the church. At this, Annie said, 'Just as I walked with you alone during our marriage, I will walk alone behind you during your funeral.' At this point I'm bawling in bed, tears are streaming down my cheeks. I'm touched beyond words, touched by this selfless and total love that these people have for one another.

I mean, fuck man. Thinking about them, this truly transcedental love, this is something that I want. I want this kind of marriage. Danny's fucking dying here, and all he cares about is how Annie's going to go on without him. He muses that maybe Annie should even get remarried!

Here's the recording. I'm not sure if anyone who listened to this segment did not have tears in their eyes.

Let me know what you think, E-word, and have a good weekend. I'll give a call sometime. I've been thinking about the things we're writing here, and wonder if we couldn't somehow compile it into something.

Take care,

Toe

edit - (I paraphrased a lot of the conversation. E-word, I listened to the story again at work, and broke down sobbing again. Jeez FUCK.)

Motivation train

Your train-platform vignette is really awesome. It is a very touching, bittersweet kind of scene, and so classic that it is on a train platform. I love trains!

I hear your longing for the everydayness of marriage. I felt that way for a while when C* and I first got married, but of course, I was only out of town 3 days a week. Still, I know the feeling somewhat. That whole first year of our marriage I was basically a part time resident in my own home. Since then, I've become something of an "art widower," losing her to her work, either at school or on her own art. Then when she comes home, I am often in the middle of working on something, so we both end up doing our own thing anyway. I think this is normal, though, especially in the U.S. People put their work before everything. This isn't to say that you and I or our wives don't value our marriages above our jobs. It's just that in the everydayness, priority tends to go to our jobs or careers.

I'm rambling. Your point is more about geography, obviously. It has got to be hard being separated for 5 days at a time, and not having a regular, daily schedule in which you and your wife work in relative proximity and see each other at the end of the day. It will come one day, I am sure.

I'm having trouble again motivating for work. I am working on an extra project these days in the evening, so I think I need to take a break mid-day instead of plowing through like I usually do. I think I'm going to go for a walk or something.

I ran and lifted weights this morning. Trying to extend my running distance. I have trouble pushing myself this way, but my goal is to get up to 3 miles in a month (right now I am at just over 2). I'll try to keep increasing gradually and see how it goes. I think my main excuse is the time factor--if I am going to run 2 miles and lift weights and stretch, that takes a little over an hour. That's a long time in the morning! Going up to 3 miles will add another 10 minutes onto my workout! Yes, it sounds so whiny when I add up the time. I should just do this.

I could build a fire for you, and bring you cakes and tea

E-word,

Home alone, and feeling tired and distracted. I had good intentions tonight, to do some school reading and some Korean study, but have managed only to watch recorded television and sofa surf.

The weekend was good, but you know I sometimes worry that El and I are not getting acclimated to the every day grind of marriage. Not to say that marriage is a grind, but I imagine the dynamic is very different when you're living with your wife as opposed to spending weekends with her. Since we've been married, other than the first three months, the most time we've had continuously was for around ten days during the Christmas holiday, and we had family over then as well.

Well, I'm not that worried. There is a positive side to this, which is there is never a time I don't want to see my wife. I'm always excited to see her on Fridays, but eventually I want the everyday banality of a regular marriage. Or something.

I've had some whiskey to drink, minutes before I started logging in here, the effects of which are starting to sink in.

Every morning that I drop El off at the train station follows a similar pattern. We stand on the platform together in the cold, and hug one another for warmth. We exchange kisses and whispers, but today because of the dry air and slight breeze, whenever our bare skin came into contact, static electricity arced between us. In between small kisses we'd hear pops and ticks. The time intervals were small enough that the static charged surprisingly quickly. We'd grimace each time we'd get shocked on the lips or when our faces got close. I finally grounded myself to her by grabbing her wrist with my bare hand.

It's a nice ritual. This morning I wondered if the same people always get on this train to New York on early Monday mornings, and if our public displays of affection make us memorable to other people on the platform.

After El gets on the quiet car (which is always the last car on the train), she waves me off. I walk toward the entrance of the platform and wait for the train to take off. After a few cars blur by, I strain to see El in the last car. She's always smiling and waving, and I smile and wave goodbye. It's bittersweet, but also wonderful. It'll be one of those things we'll remember when we eventually fall into the regular rhythm of marriage and cohabitation.

Nostalgia and alcohol, and a bit of rambling.

I hope you had a good long weekend,

Toe

Smithy of my soul

Toe, that's weird--I was just thinking about how I need to buy some Smiths CDs. I meant to tell you, as I drove around Chicagoland the other day I was listening to that mix CD you gave me a few years back. What an awesome CD to drive to, especially when lost in the inner suburbs.

Sounds like you have a good day planned. I love taking off when others are working, especially if it involves a date. C* may come home early today so we can go shopping for running shoes. Not quite so romantic as Chinese food, but I actually enjoy running errands with her, as mundane as they may be.

That restaurant sounds awesome. I love good Chinese food. And yeah, there's usually not a worry for vegetarians in Chinese places, no matter how meat heavy their dishes might be, since they are down with substituting tofu or wheat gluten for flesh.

I'm not doing much work today. Again, I'm ahead on my hours for the week, so I need to chill. But I am taking another project today from a different client, so I will start on that if they send me the files this afternoon.

But currently, I've got the cat on my lap and I'm listening to Diane Rehm. Doesn't get much better than this for a working morning....

Caligula would have blushed

E-word,

I listened to 'Louder than Bombs' by the Smiths on the way to work today. That is some great stuff, the song 'Hand in Glove' is playing in the back of my brain right now.

You're right, El and I worked things out, as really there wasn't anything to work out except for a little crankyness. Her life in NY is hectic, as her job pretty much consumes her.

Speaking of El, she's home right now. We have some green card things we need to work out today, so El took a day off, and I'm taking half a day. I'm really looking forward to this time with her as well, because after we finish our business we'll have a kind of date for the rest of the afternoon, playing hooky while everyone else is at work. There's this Chinese restaurant El and I both like a lot that I'll have to take you to next time you're in a town. It's not vegetarian, but vegetarians can eat very well there. We'll have lunch there, and then do some shopping, and for dinner we're having a friend of ours over for dinner.

I'm looking forward to getting out of here! Have a good weekend.

Toe

Just another lazy day, I'm in the usual place

Happy belated VD, man. I'm sure you've patched things up with El by now. I hope it all went all right. Those disagreements or fights or spats can be hell while they last. I've called C* on her foul moods in the past. This only works if I do it in a way that's not too angry or annoyed--if I do it right, she just acknowledges that she's in a mood. If I get pissy back at her, it sometimes makes it worse. Other times, we both end up kind of cracking up. Ack. Moods. I can't stand the moody moods. I hope everything is well with you and the wife.

I liked your story about the hot night in providence. You really evoke young love.

I haven't posted in a few days. I was on a business trip south of Chicago yesterday, and the day before was pretty frenzied. Work is good--just too much of it right now. I actually am enjoying it quite a bit, meeting with folks and trying to figure out processes and systems. It's like a big logic puzzle. But I am already over my hours for the week, so I am doing just the minimum today (checking email and making a phone call). So, with all this time, I can actually post something here at last.

Anyway, I hope all is well with you. I am back home today, in my usual spot. Weather is pretty ugly out there--snow and sleet--so I am staying in. I may shower and go to the library to get a book, but I'll probably stick around the house after that.

Fuck 'em they'll come back for more

Happy fuckin' Valentine's Day, E-word. My wife is in a sour mood and she's taking it out on me, and for some stupid reason I decided to call her on it and now we're both in shitty moods. I'm an idiot. You know, I always stress the fact that it's important to pick the right battles, and here I am picking the absolute wrong battle. El is so busy right now, I can't really even call her back to apologize, because she'll be stressed out by my call.

It wasn't a half bad day, all things considered, until now. Just going through the same old motions. I did call El much more often today, but I didn't think it was a problem. One of her co-workers complained to her boss that her phone was ringing too much, which firstly worried El and also got her annoyed at me. I didn't know I had done anything wrong. I felt really embarrassed when she told me this.

I hate it. I broke I think a cardinal rule of being in a relationship. If I want things to work, one of us has to take the conciliatory route. Neither of us is necessarily wrong here, but causing things to escalate is really dumb, and I did that today. There was no reason except for my pride being hurt a little bit. No good reason.

Toe

Let it rain down on me

E-word,

That story about Tim blasting music from his room into yours is really nice. I love the feeling of it, the sound of drops splashing, the sense of humid air hanging in your room, and of course of having a soundtrack as well! I long for that feeling, somehow it reminds me of feeling more alive, of feeling younger. After El and I got married, we went back up to Providence to move her stuff down to Maryland. We emptied out her apartment, and rather than spending 140 bucks or whatever it was on a hotel, we stayed in her apartment, even thought it was the top floor of a 4 floor walk up in July.

It was really great. Even though it was hot, we had a fan, and even though we had to sleep on the floor, we had a blanket. We were sweaty, uncomfortable, but we were newly married and we were sleeping together. The air was hot and humid, the fan was noisy, and I could hear leaves rustle outside the window. It was perfect. I felt so young.

Here's to friends. Here's also to those memories.

Toe

Caffeine

I've been feeling a little sick since Friday. It's not the usual cold--I feel congested, but it is all a stuffy feeling in the front of my forehead, with no runny nose or sneezing, etc. I feel a little better today, but most of the weekend I've felt like my head was about to explode. Every time I happened to cough or I bent over to pick something up, it was like I was in danger of blowing some vessel or something in my head. Not a good feeling. I spent the whole weekend reading and laying around.

Anyway, feeling a bit better this morning, although still a little foggy. I can't tell if that's the lingering congestion, the lack of exercise over the weekend, or some effect of the coffee I've just had. Or maybe I just haven't had enough caffeine?

Whatever. I'm trying to get a little work done. Damn, I like working at home. Much preferable to doing this from an office. I can go lie down if I feel like it. No one can stop me--no one! I am powerful, hell yeah.

Again, it was good hanging out last week--definitely the highlight of my trip.

Pain

Man, that's a sad story. I am not sure what to say. The contrast between your later benevolent feelings toward Anna with you screaming "whore" at her indicates how your anger and abuse were just an expression of your love. Your post was so fucking heartbreaking, Toe. Thanks for writing about that stuff. It's painful, painful. I recall some breakups when I felt like there weren't enough tears in my head to express the pain, and a few where it felt as if the relationship hadn't really existed, and some that felt in between.

I remember after one breakup, one of the in-between ones, when I just felt blue. I was living next door to Tim, and his bedroom was in the rowhouse next door directly across from mine. He knew I was sad because we were just talking on the front stoop about my breakup. We stopped talking because a rainstorm came in fast, one of those early summer storms with big fat raindrops. We went into our respective houses, up to our rooms, and I lay down on the bed. Tim put his speakers in the window facing mine and blasted "Alice's Restaurant" by Arlo Guthrie, one of the most chipper songs there is. I listened to it and to the rain and I felt better.

The woman who broke up with me I still remember well. It wasn't a deep relationship we had--it was pretty brief--but I was grateful to her for what we had together. But for some reason, Tim's kind act still strikes me as more touching (no pun intended) than anything I experienced with this woman.

Anyway, here's to good friends.

February 15th

E-word,

I started reading this article, and I realized that I broke up with Anna basically on February 14th nine years ago. (!) Our relationship was and had been in deep shit for quite some time before we broke up, but something in my brain clicked when I saw this. I guess I hadn't really thought about the specifics of the break up, and also on February 14th of 1997 I got drunk as fuck to drown the pain, THE PAIN. You know, I knew this was going to happen, that on Valentine's Day I couldn't get a hold of Anna until it was late at night. Of course she was seeing someone else at this time, she was two-timing me, not that I blamed her at this point. I waited and called over and over again, falling over drunk by the time I was able to get a hold of her. She said, okay, I'm ready to go out now, and I'm screaming at her, cursing and being really abusive over the phone. I may have called her a whore. I had called her a whore at some point, but I'm not sure if it was this day or not. 'Where the fuck have you been, I had dinner plans, I made fucking plans, what the fuck have you been doing,' etc, but the truth was I hadn't made any plans because I knew this would happen. She said very calmly, like someone who was already dating someone (it's easy to be calm when you have someone else you love or at least really like), I'm not taking this, it's over.

When the phone conversation ends, I gulped whatever the fuck it was that I was drinking and passed out a short time later. An interesting thing that had happened was that my drinking curtailed significantly after we broke up, because I had more of an even level of sadness as opposed to the manic depressive bouts of deep sadness and anger I had previously.

So, yeah, Valentine's Day. I ran into Anna a few years later, while running on Rock Creek Trail. Despite everything, we were still one another's first love. I wanted good things for her, I wanted to believe that she was maybe married and happy with her new life and new love, that one of us had succeeded in finding some happiness. As it turned out, she was newly single, and had moved home recently. We chatted for a little bit, and I fought back back tears, because, well, she was my first love. I gave her a big hug, and she said she wanted to call me. I said okay, and she did in fact call a few times, but I never answered the phone. She left messages on the answering machine, and I did call her back once, but she wasn't home.

I think she wanted to try again, but I knew it could never work. If we had tried, I know that things like where she was on that Valentine's Day would stick permanently in my mind, and would mess everything up again.

So, anyway, just some thoughts.

Toe

I can't believe the news today

E-word,

It's strange waking up to NPR in the morning, because I tend to half sleep through it for the first fifteen or twenty minutes. Evidently U2 won 5 grammys yesterday? I didn't even know the Grammys were on last night, but I know that U2 won 5 of them.

It was good seeing you, man. Hanging out brought back memories of the time you were commuting up from Richmond, and we'd get to hang out more frequently. Walking around Dupont Circle was fun. Maybe next time we can walk another DC neighborhood.

Speaking of renewable resources, I have to do a project on renewable resources. The guidelines are specific but broad, if you understand what I'm saying. I need to write about a renewable resource, but I have to go into topics such as energy output, system costs, environmental impacts, and viability of the project. Yesterday, I started thinking about how my neighborhood (more specifically the townhouse development I live in) could use renewable energy. I figure thinking small might help me focus a little. Since we're talking about renewable energy, I focused in on how my neighborhood could rely less on power from the grid. Certain things obviously couldn't work in my neighborhood, specifically hydro-electric power and anything water related (wave motion, ocean temperature variations, etc). I also have severe problems with using wind energy in my neighborhood, for perhaps the obvious reasons of noise, appearance, space limitations, and the danger of having kids playing close to these things.

After ruling out a couple of more unreasonable energy sources such as geothermal (we're not in Iceland!) and biomass (we're not a corn field, either!), it basically comes down to two specific things that my neighborhood can do to be rely less on coal or nuclear electricity; soloar thermal, and solar photovoltaic.

That's as far as I've gotten, but you can already see how limiting depending on renewables can be. Thus far it's been an interesting exercise.

Um, gotta go to a meeting, I'll update later.

Toe

Starvin' Marvin

Hey man,
It was good seeing you last night. Thanks for coming in and hanging out--it was awesome to see you after all these years (uh two years). I will see you next time I'm in town (looks like probably April, like I said).

Work was busy today. I'm zonked. Thinking of getting up early to go for a run around town, like the old days (except when I lived here then I was more into biking early in the morning, but whatever).

Hope your class was good. Tell me more about the futility of alternative energy sources.

Which room was intended for me?

Toe,
I look forward to seeing you, man. It's been a while. Maybe we can meet up after I finish work? I should be done by 6:30 (I know, but these people work late). I need to check into my hotel before we go out. Do you want to meet me at the hotel? Or I could just go to wherever we decide to eat--Adams Morgan would be a good place, if you want to get Etheropian. If you're taking Metro in, I'll just meet you at a metro stop (Dupont or Woodley). We can talk tomorrow.

If I get out of there earlier, I could meet you earlier. You leave work around 4, right?

I'm just scrambling to prep for meetings, but want to acknowledge your effort to post. You don't seem unsharp, by any means. I read back on my posts and think I might actually be dulling down with age.

I hear you about the church crowd. I bet they'll accept you, man, if you made the effort. But I understand about not wanting to make that effort. I have some sort of social phobia, I think, so hanging back waiting for others to approach sounds natural to me. But effort to make conversation is always good, and is usually rewarding. It's just those few times when it is unrewarding--or embarrassing--that I always remember, and these make me not want to approach people. Anyway, we'll talk more tomorrow. I'll call tonight or tomorrow.

Look at me, I'm on tv, it makes up for the shortcomings of being poor

E-word,

I have neglected our log. Lately when I sit down in front of the machine to try to type something down, I don't feel very sharp. That's not to say that I'm not completely distracted all the time anyway.

Yesterday I went to church with El, and whle we were standing during praise, I felt remarkably repressed by my surroundings. Even driving into the church parking lot is stressful, I'm probably reading too much into this, but I swear that when I go to church everyone drives an expensive car. My church is also not the most welcoming, or at least by my perceptions. I could make more strides to 'engage' the church and become more active, but I'm actually somewhat afraid to. I'm so shy and selective about whom I like to be with as it is, I'm afraid to join a community that may mock me or not fully accept me. Like I said, I'm not feeling sharp, but the wheels keep turning, tell you what.

It'll be good to see you tomorrow, man. We'll plan things out. Maybe we should meet close to your work, or should we meet after? You mentioned Ethiopian (which I haven't had in ages. El
seems a little frightened by it), and that'd be great to have. Maybe we could meet at Dupont, and hike out to Adams Morgan? It's not that far, really.

Anyway, blah. We'll talk tomorrow at the latest.

Toe

Hypernation

Thinking of making some more coffee. I think I drink too much of it, but you know, I like that hyper feeling.

I recall when I first went to a Starbucks in 1989 and ordered a cafe latte. This was in the northwest, before Starbucks grew like a cancer. When I got back to the DC area, I found it hard to find anyplace that actually knew what a cafe latte was. Being at the pretentious age I was, I thought to myself, "What a cultureless place this is--all they have is plain old coffee!"

Now when I go to one of the many fancy coffee shops, some of which are even present here in Prairieland, I don't order a latte--I order plain old coffee. I'm a contrarian I think. Or maybe this new simplicity is just another pretention.

Looking forward to visiting next week. Maybe we can get some Ethiopian? I'm up for anything, really.