These are the riches of the poor

Hello gentlemen,
Lately I've been feeling somewhat lost in my job. My ego has taken a severe bruising, in part because I have not done as well as I would have liked, and also I have apparently disappointed my bosses, although that's complicated, too--I am still trying to parse out how much of of their expressed disappointment is a strategic management tool to move me in some direction, or whether they are in fact so disappointed after all. Anyway, the situation is also muddled by other issues, too. I find I am pretty much a paranoid wreck at the workplace, something I am not in my ordinary life. It's starting to wear on me. It's hard not being able to trust what people are saying, and exhausting to always trying to sift out meaning. Plus, it does not lead me to really like my coworkers, particularly those with whom I might be in direct competition. I've had moments of competitive pricktitude in the past, and its not something I am interested in returning to.

Then there's the whole problem of how much of this is really going on and how much of this I am imagining. Plus, what am I missing? I sometimes miss social undercurrents. This could be even more complex than I realize.

I am a bit down about all this. Trying to pick myself up.

Hope you all are well. Carry on, anyway.
E-word