Jesus, etc.

Toe,
I heard that "This American Life" this weekend. It was pretty freaky, the whole story of Mary Ann, the woman who had no close family, who died alone. I find the prospect kind of frightening, myself. I think I probably think about dying as much as you think about God. I sometimes think, well, I don't really believe there is anything beyond death, so what am I worried about. But years of Catholicism is hard to get rid of, and a part of me thinks God, Jesus, and everyone (including my Mom) are waiting for me on the other side. Honestly, I don't seriously believe that, but I have moments when I do.

I think the most terrifying image I have of death came from a kind of feverish moment I had recently. I was sick, probably with a fever, and I woke up from a dream about a small, muddy hole, that I somehow, impossibly, had to squeeze down. The hole was dark, very dark, and about the size of my upper arm. I woke up, in my feverish state, thinking "That is what dying is." You go down a hole that, in life, you find terrifying and impossible to contemplate, and that's it. There is nothing beyond that hole.

Then, of course, the Freudian in me says "Ah, that hole seems kind of vaginal. Maybe this dream is really just about a fear of sex, going back to being born and having to push out through that hole. Kind of a fear of va-jay-jays. It has nothing to do with death. It is about transformation and breaking lose from your inhibitions, jumping from what you know to what you do not know."

Of course, that is death again, in some sense. But maybe it's just pussy? Maybe it is all wrapped up together? Death, sex, vaginas, and life.

All right, I've had a little to drink. I am drinking an utterly delicious beer from Colorado. I think this beverage has tipped me over into what passes for faith and religion in my agnostic mind: Meditations on symbolism and life.

I think I understand both your doubts and your interest in believing, at least a little. I remember, when I was a Catholic, trying to reconcile creation with science. But it was easier for me. Catholics are not so much into the literal bible stories. I even had a priest who basically said that many of the old testament stories are essentially metaphors, and the important thing is to understand what they symbolize. The creation story was not literally about a man named Adam and a woman named Eve. It was about how God had a hand in creating each of us, and also about how his wisdom created the balance in the world--darkness and light, water and earth, man and woman.

Because of this looser interpretation, I was able to believe in evolution and God. God worked on the world through evolution, or else he basically set the world in motion and stood back to watch his beautiful machine. The details were not actually central to the story. It was just important to know God was there, caring for the world in some mysterious way.

I too wonder how intelligent people believe a literal evolution. The earth cannot be 10000 years old, unless our measurements are terribly wrong. Believing such things always seems to call for much grosser rationalizations than the ones I conducted myself when I believed in God.

All the old testament stuff is harder to believe than the new testament, you are right. That is kind of the way Christianity is meant to be, though, isn't it? I mean, isn't Jesus supposed to supplant the old testament?

Anyway, I should stop. I feel a little rambly.
Love,
E-word