When you're old and lonely you will wish you married me

E-word,

On a lighter note, I thought about what those Scots were saying while they were exerting their lives in standing that gigantic rock up.

'Listen, it makes perfect sense. We're going to stand this rock up and it's going to mean something, something real big, but we have to put it right here. No, it's brilliant, trust me. Trust me. It'll be great. Huge.'

On a less light note, here is something I was writing earlier today.

Had an interesting moment today. Ran into an old co-worker at G* today, and we got to catching up. The conversation started normally enough, with mentions of grad school and disillusionment with our company, and drifted quickly to his impending divorce from his wife, and the fact that his sixteen year old son no longer lives with him.

You know, that's a whole lotta something. He was borderline hysterical while he was talking to me, but I think it's a level of tension that he lives with at all times. He is in the throes of a full throttle mid-life crisis, and he's all too aware of it.

He is no young man. The tension that I mentioned earlier ages motherfuckers, and I'm certain that he looks a good five years older than he is. He's soft around the stomach and sloppy in appearance, hanging by a thread, hanging onto who knows what. His is absolutely a life I fear having one day.

E-word, how do we avoid this fate? What are going to do to insure we don't one day pull our heads from our respective grindstones and ask, what the fuck happened here? My co-worker referred to his wife as an 'asshole', and man, I don't ever want to call El that. It's easy to say, oh Toe, of course you won't, your co-worker is obviously a jerk, you're different, but does anyone expect one day to call the person whom they love 'asshole'? A friend of mine actually wrote me an email and referred to his wife as a 'cunt', a little over a year before their divorce was finalized. They were best friends and they loved each other.

Fuck, man. Cunt.

I don't want to be that guy.

...

Classes started today. It's going to be fucking hectic. This fact magnified my fears. Last year passed in a blur, and I'm so afraid that ten years from now I'll be so far gone, having lived in a fog the entire time.

Eck. It's probably Ernesto wreaking havoc on me. We'll carry on.

Toe

What are you wearing?

Toe, The image of you in your socks and underwear with Tivo'd Rick Steves in the background made me laugh so hard. I think it's the combination of socks and Rick Steves. I think Rick Steves might actually be the human embodiment of the act of "sitting around in ones underwear and socks." That's probably not fair to him, but I guess I find him slightly annoying. I think I just want his job.

Dude, that's an awesome description of a street scene in NYC. I would love to go visit. I don't think I've been to the diamond district, but your instinct is probably correct that it represents the old city. My knowledge of the city is so small for the amount of time I have spent there (uh, the first 13 years of my life I lived right nearby). I hope to get back there this year, maybe around Xmas. We used to travel to CT around that time of year, but with half of my in-laws on the West coast now, I'm not sure that's going to happen.

Feeling a little less blue today. The sun is out, the last of the night's crickets are still chirping in the shade. I think I'll go up to the cafe on the corner and work there for a while. They have wireless internet, which is pretty amazing for little D*b.

Yes, life choices. I don't like the sound of the phrase "end up in" when it is used with "D*b." I do enjoy the small town life, but I miss the activity of big cities. Beyond the energy of so many people being in one place, there is also the fact that so many events, activities, clubs, shows, etc. are going on at any given time. It's almost impossible to be bored. However, it is not only possible to get bored in D*b, it is highly likely. I was looking through our community calendar. Unless I want to go to the Elk's Club annual pancake breakfast this weekend, or the community theater's production of "Annie Get Your Gun," there's really not much to do.

I need to check out more stuff going on at the university--there's a real town-gown divide here, so there are activities and events at the university that aren't widely advertised.

On another subject--yeah, the live Jews were awesome. The guitarist on stage left (the one who looks like he could work for a law firm) is Peyton Pinkerton, the guitarist from the Natural Bridge album. He was really great on all of the songs, even imitating Malkmus' guitar lines to some degree, but when they played Natural Bridge tunes like "How to Rent a Room" and "Dallas," he totally owned them.

Here's another shot of the Orkney Islands, a lone standing stone. The thing has just been sitting there for 5000 years.




I am wearing shorts and a tee shirt.

It made your body shake too much

E-word,

Also, holy crap how good are the Jews live? I'm shocked! I've been looking at other clips on Youtube, and there's an unfinished 'How to rent a room' that is very good. Man, my hypothesis was totally wrong about them, they translate well live, if not better than recorded.

Toe

Stores are open but I ain't got no money

E-word,

Awesome photo. It looks like the end of the world. That must've been one hell of a trip. Mexico whetted my wanderlust, but I don't think it had the same effect on me as Scotland had on you. After some trips I come back home wondering what I'm doing with myself as well.

What I'm doing right now is typing on my work laptop only wearing my underwear and socks, with a tivo'ed Rick Steve's Europe playing in the background. I hope that the image doesn't disgust you so much as make you laugh and perhaps feel better about where you are in your life.

Speaking of which, it is amazing the choices we make in our lives, and the places we end up. Would you in your wildest dreams imagine you'd end up in D*b? That's like saying, "I think I'll eventually end up in D*b", meaning it's impossible to imagine you ended up there. B*ton, sure, that I can see. Chi*, sure, that's in the imagination. D*b?

Spinning it around, to say the possibility of provincial me potentially living in NY is equally preposterous, but yes, I did go to see El this weekend. I love that town, man. Pretentious, dirty, in-your-face, but damn if it isn't just awesome, too.

I came in Thursday night, so Friday El and I did some bead shopping. A cool aspect of her job is that she has to go shopping for ideas and materials. Anyway, there's a bead place in the Diamond District, so while she browsed for beads, I wandered around the block. On the street that day a kid got hit by a taxi, so crowds gathered around to see what the commotion was. Even the jewelry store merchants all came out of their stores to gawk with amusement at the goings on. The police were brushing people back saying, 'We need space, back up, back up!'. As I started losing interest in this, a fight broke out about fifty feet away from the accident. Since there was an ambulance and a ton of people all around, the cops had no idea two guys were fighting right next to them. Unfortunately I missed what sparked the fight, but these two guys were kind of grappling with one another, a black guy and what could have been an Arabic guy, let's just a guy of unspecified racial origin. The black guy, (who I think might have been homeless) had the body of someone who probably did manual labor when employed, wiry arms and shoulders, but soft around the belly. The black guy ended up manhandling the fellow of unspecified racial origin over his hip, slamming him to the ground with a literal 'whump!' As the guy of unspecified racial origin got up, the black guy bitch slapped him around the ears a few time. By this time everyone on the street(including me [except for the police, amazingly]) were watching with detached amusement as these guys scrambled around. The black guy won, and finally a kind gentleman with an amused look on his face broke them up and said wisely, 'The cops are over there, do you want to get arrested?' The guy of unspecified racial origin wasn't having it, his being beat by this expressionless homeless looking guy just made him more angry, and he tried to attack the black guy, who at this point was no longer interested and trying to walk away from a fight he had won handily.

I have to recommend a visit there if you guys are ever in town. I imagine that it has the feel of old Manhattan, gritty and weird, with bearded and suited in black orthodox Jews rubbing elbows with greasy Italians, Russian models, and tough looking black guys, with tourists nosed up to the displays coveting all the blinged out watches and jewelry.

Hmm, so where was I? Yeah, still in my underwear and socks. My excuse is I was in the midst of changing to go running when I turned on my laptop to check my email.

Toe

A random picture from the Orkney Islands

I'm just trying out the photo upload function. I may have to post some more photos from around town, maybe make this more of a photo blog, since I seem to have trouble writing.

It's another cloudy day in DeKalb. I felt so blue after all the rain yesterday. I think work is depressing me, too, for some reason. I had some moments when I just thought, "What else can I be doing with my life?"

Video dream etc

Hey T, I found this video of the Silver Jews playing in Bloomington. It's actually a nice, quality live video--multiple cameras and everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81R8321gk60

It's a song from their album release last year. (Sorry I can't insert a link--for some reason Blogger won't let me.)

Anyway, how you doing? It's a rainy morning here in the midwest, and I'm falling in and out of productive moods. I have the windows open. I love the sound of the rain.

Had a decent weekend. Worked mostly, and also went to a festival they were having in town. It was kind of cheesy and deep-fried, but entertaining in many ways.

Had a weird dream that my older brother had been genetically reborn as a child and that I had to be his parent. I kept saying to myself, "He really is a cute kid." It made me want to give him a call, which I may actually do tonight. Why not, huh?

How was your weekend? Did you go to the City? Hope it was grand one.
Talk to you soon,
E-word

If I'm to be your camera, who will be your face?

Toe!
Good to read your post. I am alive and well and finished up work relatively early (10 p.m as opposed to 11 lately). I, too, am not good with my freetime (part of why we don't have cable TV is cause I would watch it like crazy), but instead of taking classes, I take some extra work. The best part of it is, after I finish in a few weeks, free nights seem like they are made of actual gold, instead of the dross we usually take them for as we throw them away on cheap hollywood crap.

OK, negative stuff coming out of my brainhole. Man, I am tired and not writing as well as I think I can.

I hope to be back in DC sometime in September--maybe by the 3rd week of the month? I need to talk to the home office and see what makes sense. The director is kind of laid back, saying "Come when you want," but I feel like I really need to check in, since they are the ones putting the money on the table.

I saw your comment on the Scotland pix. I'm glad you enjoyed them. I love your observation that it looks like we visited Scotland by ourselves. The funny thing is, in some of those pictures of the standing stones, C* and I would wait until tourists cleared out of the way so we could get a shot of just the stones. There were about 50 people there at one point, but it looks like no one is around because they are all out of the frame. That said, the Scottish Highlands are very desolate in places. It's because the clan chieftans cleared out their tenant farmers in the 18-19th century so they could raise sheep. No joke. Sheep were more profitable than people paying rent or farming.

I like your story about the old coworker. I like meeting those kinds of charming people--the ones who are great to be around just because they are so real and open with their emotions. It's a rare thing, maybe even more rare in a work environment. I like the name you gave her, but I am feeling too lazy to look it up at the moment.

Cracks me up you say "Gimme some sugar" to your male coworkers.

Anyway, I am too tired to post coherently. I'm sitting here in the dining area of our apartment working on my laptop because C* and Hi-C are in the office tonight doing some class-prep. I think they are doing their syllabi. I don't know if that is true, but I like to say it because I like the word syllabi.

I'll talk to you soon, man. Hope the AC man was good to you.
E-Word

Nightclub Jitters

E-word,

I'm at home waiting for Victor (the a/c repairman) to come and replace my heat pump and air handler. Not unexpectedly, the dude is running late, but to his credit I do have what appears to be a massive heat pump sitting outside, and a much smaller air handler sitting on the foyer.

I ran into an old co-worker today. Her name is Eudaemonia (which is actually very close to the way you actually spell her name), and I hadn't seen her in several years. I had wondered where she was, and I guess I could have looked her up, but instead I happened to walk by her office, and saw her name on a plaque outside. She was really surprised to see me, but once she remembered my name, she gave me a big smile and hug. Such a friendly girl. I have a subscription to a word a day, which sends out an unusual word 5 times a week, and several years ago the word Eudaemonia was featured. I remember emailing her, telling her that this word is a very apt in describing her.

We caught up a little bit. Of course she saw my wedding band, and asked me how long I'd been married, and then mentioned that she was 'alone' (her words), but saw a guy that was 'not worth mentioning' every so often. I had to go to a meeting, so as I left I said (as I actually only mostly say to my male friends because I'm kind of a homo), 'Give me some sugar', and gave her another big hug. It was nice.

I thought about her a lot after I saw her. I loved her genuineness, that she was actually kind of unguardedly happy to see me. Most people have a cynicism that doesn't allow that.

E-word, I did indeed see your Scotland photos. It looked amazingly beautiful and also surprisingly desolate. Of course the very last photo was apparently filled with tourists, but otherwise it looked like you were in Scotland by yourselves! The photos of Skara Brae were crazy. Can you imagine living like that, with a peat roof? Imagine the bugs.

I also think pulling out an atlas would be a great idea. After seeing your photos, I want to see Scotland, too. What's so amazing to me about Great Britain is that there are so many old structures everywhere.

Yeah, it's great that Hi-C is back (and what a brilliant nickname!), and I guess I personally have mixed feelings about school starting again. It'll be good, though, because I've become one of those people who doesn't know what the fuck I should do in my spare time, and end up watching tons of tv. Taking classes should be a better way to spend time.

So glad you're back at it. When next do you think you'll be in town? This semester my night class is Monday (from 7 to 9:40!), but I'll rearrange my schedule as necessary.

Take care bro,

Toe

Tartan it up

Toe,
I've been slow to respond. I read your posts this weekend (or Friday, even), but I've been busy. C*'s been working at home, too, so I haven't had much alone time to type my thoughts--I'm either working or hanging with the wife.

I had no idea you were going to Mexico! Sounds like an awesome trip. I used to have negative ideas about Mexico, that it is somehow dirty and not a place I want to visit, but I've seen pictures and have talked to people about it, and it seems like an amazing and beautiful place. I'd like to see your pictures and see where you went. I am ignorant of Mexican geography, so a map would be good. Maybe the next time I am in DC we can drag out an atlas and talk travel.

I'm envious you go to New York so often. How is El's job going?

I took on an extra project, so I am about to start my evening shift at work. Nothing too strenuous--just 400 pages of editing, sort of grunt work compared to my day job, but I enjoy it and feel more at ease doing it than, say, figuring out marketing plans and shit. C* is out at her school cleaning up and preparing for the new semester. HI-C rolled into town this past weekend--I told her I had met El last month, and she was tickled to hear about it. HI-C is so cheery. She's like a little Pacific Ocean sunbeam, right here in the midwest.

OK, some brief Scottish political geography--Scotland is on the same main island as England (although there are small islands off the coast that are considered Scotland, too), and Scotland is part of what you would call "Great Britain" or (with Northern Ireland) the United Kingdom. There's a long history of Scots fighting with the English and English oppressing the Scots (as late as the 80s, economically speaking), but there has been no uprising in a 100 years or more (I think--I'm still brushing up on my history). However, never refer to a Scot as a "Englishman," or even a "Brit." They consider themselves to be a different people altogether, and although they are still under British rule, in 1999 they devolved into some limited self-government, and now have their own parliament in Edinburgh. Plus, they've printed their own money for decades now--it's still British pounds, but it says "Bank of Scotland" or whatever on it, and it's not accepted in England for some reason. It's all a little odd.

It's a great country. The Scots are a lot friendlier than the English--not that the Brits are unfriendly, they are just more reserved. The country itself is beautiful-very green and lush in many places, and cut through with valleys and lots of mountains and hills in the highlands.

Did I send you the URL for our pictures of the trip?

I better get to work. I'll type another update soon.

E-word

I do not want what I haven't got

E-word,

Good morning. I'm still at home, not exactly dreading work, but not wanting to go, either. I feel like I need a mental health day, some time to enjoy this unseasonably nice weather we're having, and go outside and sit underneath some trees until dusk. Or at least sit on my sofa with the windows open and some music on.

I'm amazed at parents. I imagine how much I want a break, a couple of months to step back and appreciate how amazing the world is, and how I imagine once one has children, it must be nearly impossible to lift your head from the grindstone at all, even when on vacation. This pressure to be 'on' constantly, to always be on point, on the ball, etc.

I'm looking out the window right now, and it's a glorious morning. The sun is reflecting off of green leaves, I hear the occasional sound of a car riding by my house, and see my neighbors set off for the metro.

You know what I'd like to do today? I'd like to clean the house from top to bottom, really take some time and make it tidy and shiny for El tomorrow. I'd like to find a nice tree, lay out a blanket and read the Iliad for a couple of hours. In a more general way I'd like to appreciate what really matters, the beauty of warm August mornings, of cool water in a glass, of barefeet on grass, of God. Money is the wrong goal, money is none of the things I listed above.

It's a confusing life. The decisions I make. Oh, who cares. It's a lovely morning, slightly breezy, I can see my truck out the window underneath a giant tree, I can see the dead branches of day lilies, and the leafy end of a rhododendron. It's a glorious morning.

Toe

All those Brooklyn girls

E-word,

So glad we're back at it. Scotland, we'll have to sit down some time and talk about you trip, I'm very curious. We can get a map out or something, and follow your trip from location to location. I don't know England well at all, really, somehow my ignorant ass thought Scotland was a separate island or something.

I hear you on wanting to get your own place, I can understand that upon coming back from a trip somewhere you want to sleep somewhere that really feels like home, be it an apartment or a house or whatever. El has to go through that far too often. I don't think our NY apartment really feels all that homey compared to our real home.

It's been an interesting coule of weeks. We got back from our own trip to Mexico last weekend. We flew into Mexico City and stayed in a small pueblo named Yautepec, which is about a 90 minute drive from the airport. It was a good first trip to Mexico, visiting towns like Taxco and Tepotzlan left a better taste than I think going to Cancun or Acapulco would have.

I also spent this last weekend in NY. I went to Brooklyn for essentially the first time, and made up my mind that if I do move here, Brooklyn is where I would live. I loved it, it actually felt like DC in a lot of ways, at least the Smith Street area. Low buildings and townhouses, a much more neighborhoody kind of place, like Dupont Circle.

E-word, I'm not depressed, exactly, but I find I'm becoming one of those guys who reminsces maybe too much about the past, about the 'glory days' or something. Oh, I don't know. I get by, maybe it's sad that I feel like the best days are past me. I don't know.

Toe

Back to life

Hey Toe,
Got back from Scotland on Monday. Really felt the jet lag this time--had trouble sleeping, waking up at 2AM yesterday morning and, despite not going to bed until 2AM last night, I woke up at 6:30 today. Woke up with the depressing feeling that I wasn't quite home yet, one that didn't leave me after I woke up. We need to find a house and move out of this apartment, because it still doesn't feel like home to me I think. Maybe it's just the jet lag.

Scotland and London were awesome. We saw a lot of Scotland, mostly on the east coast and up to the Orkney Islands. It's a beautiful country. I drank some good beer wherever we went, and enjoyed the food more than I expected. Being mostly vegetarian, the furthest astray I went was the occasional dish of haddock. We had vegetarian haggis, which was really good, although probably sacrilegious to a Scot. We toured the Glen Morangie whisky distillery and sampled the stuff.

We saw a lot. I found driving to be pleasurable there, and the country is easier to get around in than I expected. Pretty weather, pretty and changeable--went from rain to a rainbow at one point. I want to go back and see the West coast next time.

anyway, how are you, man? I read an entry on your other site and you sound slightly depressed. I understand how you feel, though, about losing dreams you once had. I feel the same about some of mine. My problem is I haven't had the guts to admit that I have let them go yet. I still want to write the great American novel. However, I haven't gotten a page closer to it in something like 10 years. I have to hold onto it somehow, and use the little ember to stoke a fire one of these days. I keep telling myself I am just waiting for a good plot.

I was pretty blue yesterday--post-vacation blues--but am feeling a lot better now. Our town was depressing me yesterday--again, it just didn't feel like a place I felt comfortable coming home to, whatever that phrase really means.

Drop me a line sometime. I hope you and El are well.
E-word