You are my sunshine

E-word,

We've been struggling mightily with jetlag since we've returned from Seoul. For adults, jetlag is pretty easy to get over, but Jr. is not getting over it. I'm averaging 3-4 hours of sleep a night, and El is doing worse than I am. It is brutal. I am falling asleep at work, at my desk and at meetings, and I've never done that before. El and I are getting along worse than ever. I don't think my marriage has ever been at a lower point.

That all said, this is not what is driving me to post today. I wasstopped at a red light a couple of days ago. I saw a young woman in a Nissan Sentra driving at high speed and recklessly come to a screeching halt next to me. I caught a glimpse of her- her hair was dark and wet, and she was wearing a sleeveless shirt, maybe a tank top. It looked like she had just showered, and quickly threw something on and was rushing to meet some friends. I thought to myself as the woman raced off when the light turned green, 'I used to have somewhere to go myself.'

What my statement means to me is perfectly clear, but since it is very vague, I'll go into a little more detail about what I mean. I am busy as hell lately. Most days I can barely keep my head above water, and I'm actually lucky because work is slow lately because of budget cuts. Kids, wife, home, work- there is not time for myself. Just a few years ago I would be able to rush out after work to meet E-word at Brickskeller and startle him by running at him and giving him a big gay hug. Nowadays, I can't peel myself loose for anything, and frankly I have fewer and fewer reasons to even peel myself away from home. Anyway, before I get too distracted I became nostalgic for times when I had to go somewhere. I miss the feeling of making out with a girl at a Q and not U concert at Fort Reno Park. I miss going to get Mexican food with my band after practice on a Wednesday night. I miss the feeling of driving to an ex-girlfriend's house after a Saturday morning workout at the boxing gym. I miss being 18 years old (can you believe we were ever that young?) eating ice cream in a parking lot on a blistering summer day with my girlfriend.

I'm not even envious of the wet-haired girl and the life I invented for her. I just can't believe that I ever lived like that. I want so much to recapture that feeling of being young and having time to be somewhere. You know what else I miss? Being stuck in an office all day, I fucking miss weather. I don't always miss weather, but because of how life is now, I fucking miss weather.

Love,

Toe.

ps. Memory is such a... I don't know what it is. Sometimes I feel betrayed by my mind, that I can remember a hot summer day when I was 18 so much more clearly than a request to save a scoop of the avocado I'm using to make guacamole so we can give it to Junior. I of course forgot to save a scoop of avocado (despite the fact that El told me literally minutes before I dumped all of the avocado into a bowl already full of ingredients thus causing another fight in which El tells me to stop blaming my bad memory for forgetting everything. I'm a bad listener and a selfish person, that's why I forgot to save a scoop of the avocado). Fuck.