Without you what does my life amount to?

E-word,

I'm still in a phase of being nostalgic for things that I have never done. I'm listening to Red House Painters' first record for the first time right now, and I'm wishing it was 1993 or whatever and I was listening to it for the first time back then. I also did the kind of crazy thing of looking at my high school yearbook this morning. I was reading some of the things people wrote, and I realize only on reflection how incredibly cool some of those people were. This girl named Cher wrote the funniest, sweetest, hilarious, and rambling note in my yearbook- like, why wasn't I at all interested in her during high school? Why did the distaste in my mouth with high school prevent me from trying to keep in touch with some of these girls? There were some other funny notes, especially from this Chinese kid named Alex who sat in front of me in Physics class, saying it was nice knowing me but kind of annoying that I copied all of my homework off of him. Why the hell did Alex have to be so good at physics and perpetuate Asian stereotypes? Another note was from a kid named Greg (who had the dubious honor of graduating high school in FIVE years) who bullied the shit out of me. I knew taekwondo (speaking of perpetuating stereotypes) and shit, but the kid was like 6'4" and19, like what the fuck could I do, he was a giant. He apologized for bullying me in our guitar class, saying he just had to get rid of some of his aggression. One of the funniest ones was from a girl named Peggy who wrote that she wishes it was a pleasure knowing me but it wasn't a pleasure and she was sorry that I couldn't behave myself and have some dignity. She died of a brain aneurysm a couple of years later, which isn't funny.

Love,

Toe

Why don't you lead me to a living end.

E-word,

I was sitting at my desk thinking about the beach, and I suddenly got flooded with memories of the week every summer my family would spend at the beach. I almost feel like I'm there- I can smell the coconut in the suntan lotion, and the salty sea air. I can feel the ocean breeze on my sun-burned shoulders, and hear seagulls crying. My thoughts started turning toward my parents and the fact that they were around my age during my earliest memories of being at the beach, and how now, if and when El and I have children, I cannot avoid being an old dad, and that kind of made me sad.

I remember my dad playing with me in the sea, his arms picking me up and pushing my head above swelling waves. I remember riding waves on inflatable rafts, and getting smashed when the waves crested on the shore. I remember getting stung my jellyfish (and feeling the tentacles of one I was trying to push away from me), and I remember getting pinched by crabs that were crowding the sand bar.

God, those beach vacations were really special to me. We used to surf fish.

Love,

Toe

The ghost of my brain goes to your's

Hi Toe,
Congratulations on the new position. Managerial work, dude. That sounds very important, and with 7-8 people below you, I imagine it is. I understand what you are saying about needing to tell someone, and not wanting to talk to coworkers about it. I remember in my last years as an employee of someone other than myself, I applied for and got a supervisor job. I knew I was qualified in terms of knowledge, but I wasn't sure about my the quality of my personality for managing people. The one other person who applied was someone more bossy than me, and I could imagine him much better suited for the job. So I got kind of competitive, and subtly advertised to the department director my accomplishments, really marketed myself within the office. It worked, and I was hired, now supervising the guy who also applied (along with 5 other workers). The other guy never quite acted the same toward me, and was decidedly challenging whenever we had meetings. It wasn't really overt, but he had a tendency to take over the meetings I held.

Anyway, I lasted in the job only a little while before I left for the hinterland. He applied for it again, but again the job went to someone else, a woman who I had supervised who was a bit older than me, and quite a bit more experienced.

So, I understand. And congratulations again. From what I understand about what you do, this is a huge thing.

Things are good here. It's been a crazy month so far, but nothing bad--just busy. I'll try to call you soon--something I've been saying to myself, and yes, I too have noticed the weeks go by without me calling you.

Glad to hear you are well and still married. Same here!
Love,
E-word

Step into my office baby

E-word,

Good to hear from you. I keep telling El that I need to call you, and as always the days go by without a phone call. I have a feeling (it could be just a feeling, mind you) that I will be updating more often.

Thanks for that anecdote. It's true that little things happen in our life that seem unremarkable but are anything but. I can't remember the last time I heard a marching band. Would you guess it was a high school marching band or a college one? I love the tong tong tong sound of tenor drums (I had to look that up on wikipedia, incidentally, I didn't know the name of the drum that makes that sound).

What prompts me to write today is to actually share some good career news, and something that I've learned about sharing career news. I got something of a promotion today. I am now a group manager, and my group is compromised of 7-8 people right now. I guess the reason why I'm telling you is that I want to tell someone, and really co-workers are the least interested in the fact that I got a promotion. Why in the world would they be happy for me, after all. They may not have applied for the position, or anything like that, they might not even want the position, but the competitive edge comes out, and the mean unspoken question come out (Why would you want that position? Even if I don't want that position, how are you more capable for that position than I am?). So that is my good career news, and what I learned about sharing my career news. I don't know how I feel about getting the position- it was almost uncontested. I did have to fill out an online application and I had to be 'qualified' for the position, but it's not like there were a ton of viable applicants.

Well, that's my life news. Otherwise, this week I've been sick so I'm sleeping a ton. I'm still married.

I guess that's it.

Love,

Toe

ps. No fall out. I decided to let it drop. I don't think he meant it maliciously- he's just a dumb fuck.

I can hear the marching band, doing the best they can

Toe,
An old man and a woman were in front of the public library, a wheelchair tipped over on the sidewalk near them. The old woman sat on a low ledge where some ivy grew as the old man struggled with the wheelchair. I asked if they needed some help. The man said the wheelchair's wheel had come off its rim, and I looked, and sure enough, this was true. He said that a woman had gone to fetch a screwdriver to fix it. In a moment, a young woman came over with the screwdriver, as well as a pair of pliers, and together they put the wheel back on the rim.

Before I walked away I praised them for their good work, and I waved to the old woman on the ledge, who had been basically ignored while all this happened. She looked at me with watery eyes and didn't really seem to be able to acknowledge my presence. I got the impression she had dementia. Or perhaps it was the heat and the stress of the situation that made her seem uncommunicative.

There is a marching band practicing somewhere in town, and I could hear it as I walked away.

Hope you are well, man. It's been a hectic month for me.

Let me know what the fall out was from the Chinese dentist joke.
Love,
E-word

What did the Chinaman say to the dentist?

Me - Mike, we have a meeting tomorrow at 2:30.
Mike - What did the Chinaman say to the dentist?
Me - What did you just say?
Mike - What did the Chinaman say to the dentist?
Me - Did you just say Chinaman?
Mike - Tooth hurty. Get it? It sounds like 2:30?

I swear to God I just had this conversation 5 minutes ago. I'm still processing.

Love,

Toe