I want to see my family

E-word,

It's been a weird Christmas. El's sister is in town, and last night we were talking about what we were like when we were children. El was saying that those were such happy times, but I just don't think my childhood was that happy. I want to be young again, just because being an unhappy kid is still better than having responsibility, but it's only a slightly better alternative.

El pulled out this picture of me when I was 11. It was at the beach, and I wore this gigantic and kind of joyous smile. That photo should have warmed me, but it didn't, because I don't remember my childhood as being happy.

I suddenly feel very bitter. I was a lonely kid with very few friends, or no friends sometimes. You know, kids shouldn't be lonely, just in principal. They shouldn't be lonely, and they should be carefree.

God, from the age of 6 to 18, I was one seriously alienated kid, and on reflection I realize how much of who I am right now was defined in fucking elementary school. Before I go on, E-word, is there something wrong with me? How and why am I so sensitive? It's so weird, because while being this very sensitive flower, I can be one cold motherfucker.

So many thought on this. I'll continue later.

I hope we can catch up while you're in town for New Year's. I'll give a call sometime this weekend.

Love,

Toe

So many things that I've come to fear

E-word,

I enjoy the Go! Team songs quite a bit, and I loved the nostalgia of the Rush song. Thanks a ton for the mix. I too will always make mixes for people. When I'm 60 I'll be sending mixes to you. 'E-word, do you remember this Descendents song? Is this considered classic rock now?'

I have a bunch of songs I'm throwing together for your mix cd. I'm also making one for El, but I'm trying to put more popular stuff on it, like Rihanna and Robin Thicke. I'm not very familiar with a lot of popular music, but most of it sounds pretty crappy lately, unfortunately. Maybe I'll try to dig up some old Billy Joel or something.

I hope we can get together while your down here with family, but we'll see how that goes.

Talk to you soon, brother man.

Toe

Play list

1. I See a Darkness (Johnny Cash, with Will Oldham)
2. The Spirit of Radio (Rush)
3. Ladyflash (The Go! Team)
4. Hold On! I'm Comin' (Sam & Dave)
5. Impossible Germany (Wilco)
6. Beware of Darkness (George Harrison)
7. The Milkman of Human Kindness (Billy Bragg)
8. O Valencia! (The Decemberists)
9. Cinnamon Girl (Neil Young)
10. Horses (Bonnie "Prince" Billy)
11. Punks in the Beerlight (Silver Jews)
12. Let Him Roll (Guy Clark)
13. I Never Needed It Now So Much (The Go! Team)

Toe, I hope this helps your enjoyment of the mix. I should have included this.

Happy Xmas, man. I'll talk to you soon to work out a plan for seeing you when we are in town. I am looking forward to it.
Cheers,
E-Word

Currency

Toe,
Japan, man, that sounds awesome. I am envious of you and El's travel plans. I want to visit the far east one day. If Japan's currency problems continue, perhaps it will be the place to go in coming years.

Keeping current on the blog is problematic for me, as I said, because I don't have much of a life lately. So, I hear your pain (although I think you were sharing in response to my initial complaint of not having a life. I appreciate that).

I am trying, though not too hard. Last night C and I went out for a drink with friends here. It was nice, albeit I couldn't really drink like I wanted to because I agreed to drive. Then again, I didn't really want to be hung over today. Work has been a little demanding of late, so I am reluctant to dull my senses too much.

I like your story about throwing tomatoes. I think you probably were helping in your way--by splattering the tomatoes, you were helping them to decompose and return to the soil, perhaps seeding the ground for next year. I can picture your parents the following summer saying "Why is there a tomato sprouting from that crack in the driveway?"

Putting my garden to bed involved me pulling up dead plants, piling them in the compost, and covering the ground with leaves. The last part was kind of pointless, as the leaves immediately blew up against the fence, leaving my garden naked to the elements. No biggie. I also collected some beans and the last of the kale, which, while wilted, was still quite edible. In fact, I just steamed it last night and plan on having the last of it as a snack this afternoon.

We had an ice storm this past weekend. It was impressive--lines were down, a transformer blew, and the whole town was coated in a 1/4 inch of ice. We were reading in bed by candlelight Saturday night, wondering if the ice-heavy tree in front of the house would crash through the window. It was kind of fun.

Hey, do I understand correctly that you are not taking classes in the Spring?

Anyway, I better get back to work. I do not have my dates for the January visit yet. Will keep you posted.

Happy December to you, and keep the home-fire burning.

E-word

Chess BOXING!

E-word,

You know, in a way the drafts that never get published are the ones that are most meaningful. One day we'll compile them into a post.

I did get your phone message, and I am very excited to see you in January. Your timing is very good this time around. I won't have classes to go to, and while work has been busy as hell, I still have to eat dinner so meeting up will be grand.

It's interesting that you tucked you garden away for the winter. I actually don't know what is involved in doing that. My parents had a big old garden, and I remember my brother and I throwing rotted tomatoes and cucumbers at one another. They would burst like balloons on contact. Anyway, what I'm getting at here is I don't know if my parents really did anything at the end of the year, but again they over-fertilized and tilled every year, so maybe they didn't worry so much.

I can also see how working at home and in the midwest may have some romantic appeal, but at the same time there has to be some way to counteract the isolation of it all. I'm not saying I have any antidote, but I hear what you're saying. At work it gets frustrating being around people who talk too much or much your shit up, but there is a constant hum of activity.

Well, the only antidote I have is for us to get together and drink and talk shit. Mostly talk shit.

But to answer your other questions, well, I don't really have a life. When school ends I'm going to try hard to have a life, but right now all I do is spend inordinate amounts of time at work, and the rest of my free time worrying about school. I have one class left, and I can't wait to be finished with this crap. Thanksgiving was good, it was just me and El. I cooked up a turkey, some mashed potatoes, and vegetables. It was good. I did get your message, and I can't wait to hang out. I will, however, be in Seoul for the holidays, which will be nice. We're planning a side trip to Tokyo, a city that El and I both really enjoy. It's also nice visiting a place that has currency problems, because the dollar is not brutalized over there.

I miss you too, my brother man.

Toe