Back, with lists

Toe,
It's been a long time. I feel like I've been depressed or something, but that's not true. But what have I been doing, aside from not posting here?

1. Thinking about writing.
2. Listening to the Go! Team
3. Getting depressed by the decrease in light. Is it really dark at 4:30 this time of year?
4. I have put my garden to bed. That actually was depressing, but in a fun way.
5. Playing on-line games in spare moments; feeling I am way too old to be wasting time this way; this feeling causes me to think I may actually be older than I realize. Depressing feedback effect ensues.
6. Reading Jim Shepard short stories. His latest collection was not as good as his previous, but still hot as hell. Some of the stories are a little sad.
7. Writing shopping lists. Shopping for food on the list and cooking it.
8. Eating very quickly and then staring at my empty plate.
9. Deleting massive amounts of spam from my email.
10. Working. I have been buried in quality control tasks for a few weeks.

Anyway, the subtext I guess is that I have been busy, but I think the true subtext is that I haven't been feeling like writing because perhaps I am slightly depressed by my life. The idea of reporting on it makes me more depressed. I apologize for falling out of touch for this reason.

I did think about posting, I swear. Here are the topics of the posts that never were:

1. A series of posts describing the women with whom I had screwed up relationships or, more often, simply failed to date because of a lack of gumption.
2. Memories of childhood that I sometimes fear I am fast forgetting.
3. A short post about my most recent trip to Chicago, on which I learned to order wine in Greek restaurants with caution.
4. Something about the beauty of autumn on the prairie. We have native grasses on our property, and they look great even when they are dying.
5. The bittersweet feeling of tucking my garden in for a long winter's nap.
6. More garden stuff: The splendor of my squash; how my wife doesn't think we can eat the beans I grew; compost as a friend.
7. House chores and fix-em-up stories. Tales of callouses and cursing.
8. Isolation realizations: There is no one who can see me right now, nor is there anyone around to see me most times during the day.
9. More thoughts on marriage. Why is it that love is so complicated? Does anyone have a contour map of this thing?
10. Thoughts on loving my cat: Why pet ownership is so much simpler than married life, and why I will never be tempted to ditch one over the other (see isolation realization above).

I enjoyed your recent posts. I feel your pain, especially regarding your thoughts on mortality and illness. I think about these things sometimes, but not as much as you might think, especially given I lost my mom to illness, and my dad is getting older. It's not pleasant to consider that our loved ones may get sick or pass away. In fact, it's terrifying.

How was your Thanksgiving? Did you get my message about the chess/boxing? How has your November been? Will you be home around New Year?

I have so many questions. I won't give a numbered list, though.
Miss you, man.
E-word

He set my feet upon rock, made my footsteps firm

E-word,

Even on an unseasonably warm November day, the season makes me nostalgic. So far in my life I realize how lucky I've been in that my closest family members have stayed healthy. That has kind of an amazingly insulating effect. People close to me actually get sick? You're telling me that someone I love with all of my heart will need constant care, and will probably die anyway? Even less serious than that; someone I love with all of my heart has to have surgery? Really? This happens?

So I guess that I'm nostalgic for times when I didn't think of hovering death and sickness. Even when my parents would get sick or needed to have a procedure done, they'd always play it off, or not tell us until after the fact. We siblings would all protest (you shoulda let us know!), but we didn't really mean it. I was glad, at least, to hear as little bad news as possible.

I'm so melodramatic. I'm thinking of that old Smiths song (I wear black on the outside because black is how I feel on the inside) , and pitying myself again.

Love,

Toe