Crowing again

Toe Jaleo,
It's amazing to wake up early and start work on a Saturday. No, no it isn't.
We're heading East tomorrow, I think, so I am scrambling to get some work done, organize what I will take with me, and ship out what I need to today.

Haven't even started Xmas shopping. Can't think about it.

Let's get together when I am in town.

Remember, slacking comes in waves. Just ride the slacker wave and it'll be over soon enough, then you'll be back to your workaday Toe-ness.

Can't write more right now unfortunately.

Lion's mane

E-word,

It's been a long day. I don't think I'm in the best of places right now. It's interesting, getting married is great, I really love my wife and think she's the greatest thing ever, but that doesn't change the fact that I am still this being completely independent of her. No matter how much I would try to romanticize it, we're never going to be 'one', or whatever. I still have lusts, I still feel lonely, I still feel useless, and I realize that nothing El does can really remedy or change that. I guess an interesting thing that's happening is that I'm typically pretty stoical when it comes to expressing this realization, but on our log I find that I'm more honest with my feelings.

Have you seen 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'? This is an amazing movie, one of my favorites. At the every end of the movie (I won't give away the plot if you haven't seen it), the two main characters reach a totally unsatisfactory conclusion, but the truth of what they said (and the fact that even though it seemed unsatisfactory it was utterly satisfying) made my eyes well up a little bit. In a nutshell they realized that though they would not always be satisfied and happy, that they can't and won't save or complete one another, there was no one else they would rather be with. Really, quite amazing. A very truthful ending.

So yeah, I'm not in the best of places. I'm really slacking at work (not deleteriously yet, but it's getting to a level that may cause problems), I'm slacking at home (I get home, I flip on the tv and basically stare with eyes glazed for hours), and generally feeling utterly unmotivated to do much of anything.

Eh. Just sayin'. I'll get over this at some point.

Ahem. El is coming home for the last week of December, and her sister and mother are going to stay with us then as well. It should be very nice, I'll be very well fed. El's mom's cooking ability evidently puts El's to shame, so I'm looking forward to some good eating. I'm actually not taking any full days off, because family will be here for a change, so i'll be at work while El, sis, and mom hang out at home. They'll have time to bond which will be excellent for them, and I'll hopefully catch up on all this work while everyone is away for the holidays. It should be nice, actually. I'll probably leave out early most days, but that's it holiday planwise. It would be very nice for me and El to meet you and C*, but we'll see how things pan out. Maybe a lunch or something of that nature?

Yes, and while you're on vacation please try your best to update. Perhaps when you're working you can slack off for 20 minutes and drop a quick update.

Anywho, it's not that bad, it's often nice just to vent.

Toe

I'm not going to race you today

I feel like I have to compress approximately 7 days of work into 2 days. I love a challenge. It's beginning to look like I need to pack up my office when we drive East and work over the holidays. Ugh.

The cat is asleep on the bed. We have a thick down comforter on there, so it's kind of puffy, and he likes to curl up in a little hole created by his own weight. It's too damn cute.

How are you, Toe Jaleo? When is your exam? I expect you to post frequent updates, even if you are studying for some serious subject like Dynamic Structural Change in Watered Steel I-Beams. Sorry. It's painful when a literary type makes up technical shit, you know.

Just don't let our blog die!

What are you doing for the holidays?

Do you find it odd that the blogger.com spellcheck picks out the word "blog" as misspelled? It wants to change it into "bloc" or "blokes." Maybe we should retitle our blog "Bloke's Bloc Blog."

Letting me go home

Holiday plans--there are no plans! Actually, we do have plans, Mr. Toe. First we're driving to C*'s parents. It's going to take 2 days to get there, and the forecasts are calling for snow next week, so we're planning on leaving Sunday. We'll stay there through the 29th, I think, then come down to Virginia to see my sister and brother, and have our usual family get together New Years eve. Should be fun. C* and I do want to come into town to see museums, perhaps drop by A* office (well, I'll do that alone). Maybe we can get together for dinner on that day? That would rock.

Awkward silences are so common for me now they hardly seem awkward. I bet your Dad had a good time with you all.

Good luck on the exams. So, El will be down there end of December? Maybe we can get together while she's there? We have to keep in touch about this.

I'll do my best to update during the holidays, but I can't promise. Maybe once every three days? Once every 2? Will you be at G* the whole time.

I'm randomly answering your questions: No one cross-country skis here in De_K--no, drinking is the winter sport. I'm only an amateur, but it's fun even for us non-pros. It's a whole other world up in Minnesota, I'm afraid. They're all healthy and have a stoic yet cheerful attitude toward life. Here on the lower prairie it's a little more alcoholic and chatty/fatty.

Actually, I have no idea. I'm no mid-western expert by any means. I did see someone snow-mobiling beside the highway last night, driving across the fields. It was kind of cool looking. Definitely a little dangerous at night, I would think, what with irrigation ditches and frozen stubs of cornstalks.

Anyway. I need to take a break and walk through the snow to the P.O. and the hardware store. The sun seems to set at around 4PM on cloudy winter days like today. Where's my booze and my snow mobile?!

The damage is done

E-word,

Our log is petering out! Don't let our youth go to waste, E-word! While on vacation I demand that you update our Tugboat Captain's log, and while you're sweating away before your vacation, I also demand of your time! Even if you have little to say, say it! It's cold in De_B! The cat puked on my bed again! Let me know!

Hanging out with the pops was okay. Lots of awkward silences, but I think that's par for the course. He's my dad, not my pal so I think (?) that's okay. Not sure, though. With El around there were fewer pauses.

...

Well, I said all that yesterday, and here I am now updating our log a day later.

It's a cold day in Maryland, too, and we're supposed to be getting some snow and freezing rain tomorrow. You know, these short winter days don't do much for me, and I imagine that if I were in De_B it would do even less, though snow covered prairies sounds pretty nice to me. Do a lot of people cross-country ski out there? I remember when I visited Jenny's parents out in Minnesota they told me lots of people do that for exercise.

El is not coming home this weekend. I have a final next Monday, so we decided that I need to focus on studying, and El has to focus on work so that I can do well on my final and she can spend the last week of December home and not worry about work. This modern life gets me down, E-word, tell you what. Why haven't we come up with teleportation yet?

What are your holiday travel plans, E-word? I assume you'll be out in my neck of the woods for part of the time. Anyway, hope all is well.

Toe

There's gonna be a snow storm, the TV's going wild

We're getting another 5 inches on top of the 6 we already have. Snow don't melt here in De_K, out on the fricking prairie. In fact, the snow that is already on the ground has a tendency to blow across the road out on the prairie. The wind creates patches of snow that blow across the road almost constantly, like a fine-grain snow river, about 4 millimeters off the highway, laying down a thin layer. It's actually pretty.

No, I haven't gotten out of my car to measure the snow stream, so that 4 mm figure is just poetry.

I am getting to work early today. So much to do.

Where oh where are you, Toe?

Straightaway

Toe,
It's been a busy time lately for me. I am taking off for the holidays next week through the first week of January, and there is so much I need to do. Arg. It happens every December--it's the annual equivalent of my frenzied Friday, when I try to get everything I should have been doing done by the end of some arbitrary time. This is the problem with having so few deadlines in my work. My deadlines are really more social-pressure than anything--"So, where's that piece you've been working on? How long has it been?"

How did brunch go with your Dad? That's sad about your El withdrawal. It's gotta be tough. I can only imagine. I get withdrawal from C* every time we're apart, which is fortunately not too much. I also get weird fears about dying or whatever when we're separated. I guess it's a kind of separation anxiety, to use a psychological term. At the same time, I kind of enjoy the feeling of being on my own, so it's a mixed batch of emotions.

We had a decent weekend. Went out to brunch with some local friends yesterday. We had more snow on Saturday--there's about 6 inches now. It just keeps accumulating over the weeks because it doesn't really melt. I do like it.

I better get back to work. I'll post more later.

This is a song for losers

E-word,

Yet another day in paradise, as my fellow early-rising office mate said this morning. We make fun, but what else are we going to do? Can't go fishin' every day, I don't think.

Had a pretty great weekend with El. She came Thursday night because she wanted to spend Friday getting the house ready for my father, who was planning to have brunch at our house on Saturday. I have to tell you that having just that one extra day a week makes a world of difference.

Despite the niceness of this past weekend, I'm going through some El withdrawal pains. I know I wouldn't be with her now regardless, but knowing that she's a couple of hundred miles away does not make me less uneasy.

Anyway, I'll have more later. This is the start of an achingly long day. I can't wait for this semester to end.

Toe

I don't wanna stay at your party

E-word,

As I watched the scenery unfold on my way home from NY Monday morning, I realized that I really am kind of a provincial person. I think because of how my family is, I'm kind of forced to break out of my comfort zone to do things. If it weren't for that (and also a weird kind of competition I sense from my brothers when it comes to travelling [oh, Toe, you must go to Lake Como, it's simply gorgeous!]), I'd be happy staying right in my fair Montgomery county. I used to think that all time when I lived at my parents' place. I'd be sitting on my deck smoking a cigar, drinking some coffee and reading 'Mason & Dixon' thinking this is all I need, right here. The birds are singing, the sun is shining, I'm surrounded by the sweet smell of cut grass, I've got a little buzz going on, and I've got good reading, this is all I need. I loved that. Occasionally I'd have to get off my butt to adjust the big shade umbrella (stupid earth's rotation! stop rotating!), but I could get a good stretch from that too.

It was great, I lived next to a wonderful nature reserve and running paths galore. R'vil has tons of great restaurants, and the diversity always made me feel comfortable. Why the heck would i have to leave?

I guess I've seen some great things, experienced some culture and all that, but I'm pretty sure I'd've been just as happy staying at home reading books or attempting to write the great American novel. I guess I've always had a dim view on people who travelled extensively as well, this kind of 'well that person can't have much of a interior life if they have to constantly travel for enlightenment', or 'well that person just wants to show off by saying that they've been to Lake Como'. Bitter, bitter! It was just a defense mechanism, I swear!

Anyway, there I go again, wandering all over the map. You must quite snowed in, E-word. I hope you don't have the low down snowed in got the De_B blues.

Have a good weekend, I'll try to update more later!

Toe

I've got a masculine face

Dude, I've been pounding out the work this morning. If it weren't simply a matter of typing on a keyboard and sleuthing contact info on the Web, I might actually be sweating.

I have a great image of you and your Dad eating the flesh of the cow. Talk about traditional manly activities. I haven't had a steak in a while, although I had a bite of deer last summer when I went whitewater rafting in West Virginia.

Yeah, marriage creates a whole new dynamic with the women-folk. I was pretty chummy with the women at work before I got married--I didn't date any (well, one, but in another department, a long time ago), but I hung out with a group of them at lunch. After I got married, I sensed a kind of change in our relationship, at least as far as they were behaving. They no longer seemed as friendly with me. They weren't mean or anything, just not as chummy. It made me think that, on some level, before my wedding I was still in the mating game, at least. This isn't to say I ever got the sense that any of my coworkers were trying to take me away from my fiancee, but I wonder if some of them, at least subconsciously, were waiting in the wings in case it ended of its own accord. Then again, this could just all have been my big fat ego imagining things.

I'm with you on the ego-boosting. I like when a pretty woman laughs at something I say. There is no bigger boost. And yes, the chase is painful, but there are few bigger natural highs. I've never jumped out of a plane, but I imagine it doesn't really compete. I was never very good at chasing women (well, at least at getting women), but it certainly felt good to have that sense of possibility, of new love, or at least of potentially getting laid.

Let the Golden Age Begin

Homey homey dontcha know me. Coughing up a storm here at the G*. I'm still here, but the last couple of days have been a little hectic. My dad is in town, so we went out last night and had a semi-bacchanal dinner, eating massive steaks and imbibing alcohol. I can't hold down my liquor like I used to, that's for sure. I guess that's a good thing about getting married, my tolerance for the drink has gone down significantly due to my not drinking as much.

But yeah, we ate gigantic pieces of flesh, which is actually not as appealing to me as it used to be. Don't get me wrong, I love the flesh, but eating a thick slab of bloody rare steak and little else is strange when I've not really been consuming enormous amount of meat lately. Even like, eating a roasted chicken is not the same as cutting into an 1.5 inch thick ribeye steak.

I'm a little bit all over the map today. I went to back to my old office for a group meeting, and it was like a reunion. Everyone was wondering where I'd been, because I left with only a few folks even knowing it, and it was nice catching up with some folks. I was talking to this one woman, and she was saying, 'Yeah, we should hang out in DC'. You know, it's weird, being married now I kind of miss being in on the chase. Chasing ass is so painful, but there is something really fun about it, too. The notion that someone is 'in' to me, the sexual tension, and just fresh ass. It's good for the ego, that I (me, of all people!) can be 'on' and have chickies laughing at my jokes, and giving me positive body language.

Well, blah blah blah. It's good that you're running. I had fun running through Bloomington that last time 2 years ago.

What's he building?

Lifted some weights and ran this morning. Now I am having trouble getting started working. Listening to Tom Waits and wishing I had more of his stuff.

It was 4 below this morning, so I did all my exericise indoors. Running around a track is sort of meditative, but it gets a little old. As soon as it gets warm in the Spring and I run for the first time outdoors, it's almost like rediscovering the love of running. Running indoors is like drinking decaf.

I've been reading Nobody's Fool by Richard Russo. It's a compelling story, although rather simple. The only problem for me is I keep picturing Paul Neuman as the main character--he played him in the movie version. I only saw half of the movie on HBO about 5 years ago, and enjoyed what I saw, but now I find the images it planted in my head to be distracting.

Toe Jaleo, where you at these days?

Riding that Train

Yes, I understand the allure of trains. I used to take one every week from R'mond to DC when I was doing that commute, and I also used to take them when I visited friends in Boston and Connecticut about 10 years ago. In college, too, I used to take them every so often to go home for the holidays or whatever. I love that feeling looking out the window and seeing passing towns you would never visit, but that look kind of warm and inviting. It's also interesting to see the people waiting for you to pass at the train crossings, sitting in their cars, often seeming bored. I recall locking eyes with some woman at one such crossing. It wasn't a sexual look, just a look (she was older and I was pretty young), and I felt a strange sadness. Yeah, the definitely give you a reflective feeling. That's cool you take them up to NYC--it's so much better than driving (although driving can give you a whole other meditative state, but one that I don't think is as wistful).

Of course, I used to work on the train when I was commuting for work. I was a workaholic at the time. I guess I wouldn't do that every commute, though--sometimes I would get a beer and a sandwich at Union Station and enjoy them on the ride home. Ah, liquor stores that sell single beers are awesome....

We were thinking of taking the train back East for Xmas, but it's just too damn expensive. One day we will--just not now.

Things are good in D_B. We have a couple of inches of snow from a storm on Saturday. It's pretty out on the prairie--mostly white, with dull brown cornstalk stubs poking up. I like the winter, despite the cold (it was negative 3 degrees this morning).

I'm working on getting some projects off my desk today, listening to Big Star MP3s on my computer. I wish I could stop in at the G* after work and we could go to get some Lebanese food. Ah, Lebanese places that serve single beers....

Baby I was born on a train

Morning, E-word. Just got back from NYC this morning. I'm really loving travelling by train, there is something truly nostalgic about it, harking to a time that I never really new but can kind of understand. Trains are leisurely, a kind of get there when we do mode of transportation. There are fast trains for sure, but no train compares to a jet. The scenery is very different on trains too. When I pay attention, what I see is rewarding on a very small level. I've seen beautiful things flying on jets (last summer on the way to Seoul, I flew over some amazingly beautiful marshes in Northern Canada. It's like a swampland up there, shimmery and brackish green), but there is detail along trainlines. Certainly most of it is not really 'pretty', but there is so much variety.

Snow is coming today, and I feel it in my bones. It's not a comfortable feeling, really, waiting for pressure changes and the like. E-word, I'm feeling very reflective today. That is another thing I like about train rides, it's very conducive to thought. In a lot of ways I feel like an aimless townie that through various pressures is being forced to be less provincial. Some aimless people go to Prague, but I preferred reading books on the deck of my parents suburban home. I never really had to go anywhere. Amazon.com made all books easily available, there was a nice hilly nature center right behind my house, and I had plenty of space for my guitars. I was basically set. Oh, except for loneliness, of course, that had to be assuaged somehow.

I don't know, trains and the G* leave me reflective. Hope things are well with you in De_B, that the flat midwestern scenery fills you with something.

Clarity

Uh, just wanted to clarify who I was referring to when I talked about SY trashing the guy in the Sonic Youth tee--I meant the banker, not your dad.

Ahem. Back to work.

May the Sonic Youth Audio Maelstrom send him nightmares

Dude, that is wack. I have images of Kim Gordon meeting him at a party and giving him a cold stare once he shares what he does for a living. Thurston Moore will kick his ass.

I had a major freak out last night over this new potential position. I am already doing this job, in many senses, and I am not sure I would enjoy doing it full time. But benefits are awfully, awfully tempting. Ah, I am such a fence sitter. I keep waking up at 4:00 AM worrying about this shit.

The G* base is bigger than I realized, and more populated. Are you feeling isolated because you don't know people there?

I go through those bouts of depression myself. The only thing that gets me through generally is the realization that the feeling is temporary. Conversely, when I am feeling happy, I try not to remember that the feeling is temporary, because then I get depressed again. I have no idea if any of this has any relation to what you feel.

I like your image of our characters being preserved in amber. It's very true. They were so real to me, and still are in some sense. I understand now, I think, why authors resurrect characters in other stories or else create a series around a character. If we ever get off our asses and write again, if we don't return to those stories, maybe we can put the characters into other stories. Something to think about. Maybe Charles can get a job as a very depressed disc jockey. And the Robot Shepherd can be de-rusted, repainted, and rebooted to become the village's first cybernetic crossing guard.

You are not what you own

Wack!

Man, this is lamer than lame. I think Sonic Youth t-shirts are cool, but if my father wore one, well, actually that'd be pretty cool. If some investment banker wore one, I'd have to beat his ass on principal.

Let me die with a hammer in my hand

Hey man. Cool that your trip went well, and wow about possibly being a salaried employee again! Personally I think it's awesome that A* think of you so highly, that after all these years they still want to hire you up despite not being on site.

I don't think anything is wrong with our blog. I saw your entry yesterday morning. I was in the midst of typing one yesterday, but stopped. I was feeling pretty battered and discombobulated, so I decided not to finish it.

Speaking of yesterday, I was a mess. A combination of poor weather, tiredness, isolation and sickness did nothing for my state of mind. I'm doing much better today. I hate those weird spokes of complete depression I sometimes have. I'm doing alright now, but sometimes events conspire to bring me down.

That job that A* is offering you sounds like a good deal, even if it means you're not editing. A change might be good, and it's not a particularly brutal one, since you've already worked with A*.

It's so funny, I really feel like our characters and stories have been petrified in amber. It's also kind of sad, where did all of our energy go? I hope that you are able to write more freely again soon. I also hope that someday I'll be able to do the same thing.

Life at the G* goes and goes. Population-wise, there are probably 7000 people? Something like that. I just asked one of my office mates, and we had like a ten minute discussion on how many folks are here. There are a goodly number of folks here, but far fewer than during their peak, that's for sure.

Home again

At home on a snowy morning in the Midwest. I have so much to do it is almost mindnumbing, so right now it is easier to look out at the snow.

The business trip was really productive, and I learned that there is a chance my work situation will be changing in a big way. There is a position opening up that they may offer to me and, if I accept the job, I might be a salaried employee of A. again, with full benefits, etc., but working from home. The big boss still needs to check on whether this is possible.

I have some mixed feelings about doing this, as it is not a job that uses my editorial skills so much as my organizational skills. But I am hoping that if I have a job that doesn't drain my energy for writing, which I think is what my current work does, maybe I can actually write some of my own stuff at the end of the day.

So, that's the scoop.

Is there something wrong with our blog, man? I see there's a draft entry by you sitting in the docket, and it hasn't been posted, and my entry from yesterday morning wasn't posted until yesterday afternoon. What's up with that?

The breakfast meeting was fine, by the way. There was minimal spitting of food. Ack!

So, how many people are out at your department in the G* anyway?